The Summer Olympics and the Environment

By Rick and Reba Rebel 

   Been doin' me some figurin' on these Olympics that've got everybody's bowels in such an uproar.  To tell you the God's honest truth, it just about pisses me off to no end.  I paid more than $80.00 for the biggest used satellite dish I could find (and would fit in my truck), and every five minutes on the TV there's either some commercial with all the music blarin', showin' people runnin' and jumpin' and all kinds of other crazy shit over there in China, or else it's some guy tellin' me I gotta be "Green."  Tellin' me to use those half-assed lightbulbs that won't light up a doghouse.  Tellin' me to recycle, renew, reuse.  And then BAM! there'll be somethin' else about the goddamned Olympics.  Know what I say?  I say I done heard enough about the Olympics and the environment.

   You listenin'?  Look here:  For years, these guys that have been tellin' us to be all environmental.  And besides cars and trucks, they've been blamin' cattle and dairy farmers for all the methane put out into the air, hurtin' the ozone layer over top of where they live.  I been around a lotta cattle, and that's just what they do, folks:  They're fartin' 24-7, even when they're sleepin'.  They're layin' there rippin' 'em fit the blow the barn apart.  Hundreds of 'em at a time, all blastin' the asses off themselves at the same time.  And yes, it's bad.  It's enough to gag a maggot off a gut-wagon, I'll not lie.   It's damn near enough to kill ya.  And all that stink and all them farts can't be good for the air; just can't be.  I'll grant you that.  But think about this for a second:

   How many people you figure gonna be at them Olympics over there in China?  Couple million?  Gotta be.  Now, you got a couple million people, and a helluva bunch of them is white people from all over the place, whose guts ain't used to all that chow mein an' shit like that, right?  For two whole weeks.  All in one city. 

   Okay.  You just think about that for a second.  Between all them people eatin' that weird Chinese food, and then the ones that just get the shits for some other reason, can you imagine what the hell all that's gonna do to that ozone layer?  Why, if some cows fartin' can be all that bad, just how bad you think it's gonna be over there by the end of August?  Even if the ozone thing survives all that shittin' and fartin' and doesn't suck the whole damn country into outer space, I guaran-damn-tee you, I want no part of it.

Posted Thursday, August 7, 2008

Last Chance for Gas? 

By Neil Skank

   Listen up, people.

   It's getting so a man can't even get in his vehicle and drive down the road for fun anymore. I don't know what they're charging for gas in your town, but where I live the price keeps teasing right up to that $4 a gallon mark, then coming down a few cents, then getting right back up to the mark again, then dropping back down. I feel like I'm in an OPEC massage parlor. If you're gonna screw me, stop all the teasin' and do the deed, for God's sake.

   Four dollars a goddamn gallon? And that's for the cheap stuff! We're talkin' the Sam's Club of gas, the generic gas, the Costco gas. Four dollars a gallon for that unleaded crap!

   I saw some city guy on the news saying, "What's the big deal? We pay four or five dollars a gallon for milk. Gas is a liquid. Why not pay that much for it, too?"

   Listen up, shithead. I can buy a gallon of milk and it'll last me a week, if it ain't hot weather. Try going a week on one gallon of gas. Does the smog in the city rot their brains?

   For people living in rural America, like yours truly, this gas price horseshit is a real concern. We have to drive to get to work, to take our kids to school, to go to the store, go to the doctor. We don't just step out of our building, say hi to the doorman and step into a cab. We don't have public transport buses on back roads. There ain't no subways that run up a holler.

   If we can't even afford to keep our vehicles on the road we are screwed, chewed and tattoed, my friends. The American Dream goes tits up. Say goodnight, Democracy.

   And who's gonna help us? Not George W. Bush, that's for sure. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a good man. I voted for him four or five times. But he's an oil man. Or at least he tried to be one. He ain't much on the follow-through, is he? Anyway, he's not gonna do anything that'll hurt his oilmen friends and contributors.

   So where does that leave us? With the two men running for president? McCain and Obama? Come on now. Obama ain't got that kinda pull. He barely beat a woman to get the nomination. You think he's got the gravel to stand up to Exxon and tell 'em to act like human beings? He and Oprah and Ellen and Rosie put together couldn't say one word that would give those boys pause. 

   I respect McCain for being a prisoner of war for all those years. But let's face it, people, he's an old man now. He looks like he should be out in the park wearing his little VFW hat on Flag Day, not runnin' the goddamn country. What the hell are we thinking?

  The one person who ran for president this year who might've been mean enough to do something about this gas mess just dropped out. That's right, I mean Hillary Her Highness. That ruthless bitch might've really taken it to Big Oil if we could've convinced her that would win her the job.

   Man, that Clinton legacy is starting to look like lukewarm boogers on a paper plate, isn't it? First Bill screws up a two-term presidency by sticking his cigar where it wasn't meant to go, and then Hilary manages to lose a sure-thing presidential run. How'd you like to sleep in that marital bed these days?

   About as much as Bill likes it, I imagine.

   So if there's no answer for this gas price gouge, then what's the world coming to? I'm telling you: an end. Just read your Bibles, people. It's all there for the knowing. It's no accident our boys are over there fighting in the Middle East right now. We're in the Final Days, bet your ass.

   I don't mean to tip my hand, but rest assured I'm hoarding up all the gas, canned goods and ammo I can get my sweaty hands on. If you thought Y2K had people scared, just wait until gas is 10 bucks a gallon. This country's gonna look like something out of a zombie apocalypse movie.

   And I'll be in the hills with my kin and my generator, watching the horizon through my rifle's scope. That's what the White Trash Perspective is fixin' to be, folks. Ain't pretty, is it?

Posted Tuesday, June 17, 2008

 Do you see a city bus around here?

Obama dances with Ellen

McCain dances with Bush

"I want two dollars a gallon and I want it now!"