The World Wide Rag
"If chimps are almost as smart as us, why do we never
see them riding goats?"
- Werner Herzog
Gossip
Gomorrah
A-Go-Go
By Dick Jiggles
Jennifer AnistonWell, I guess the reports of their impending marriage were a wee bit premature. Girl-loving guitar-man John Mayer and his elderly galpal Jennifer Aniston have called it quits — but they just can’t agree on who did the dumping! Jen’s friends say she dropped him for cheating; John-John himself says it was his decision to call it off because he didn’t want to lie to her, and diplomatically calls Aniston “the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met.” Yeah, she just wasn’t hot enough to stay home for, right, John?
John Mayer • Pete Doherty
• Verne Troyer
• Steve-0
• Carrot Top
• Gary Coleman
• Brad Pitt’s stunt double
• Spencer Pratt, or, of course, …
• Michael Jackson
Surely one of these guys would be willing to go out with Aniston in front of the cameras. No takers? Really?
Jen, honey, you’re on your own …
Lindsay LohanIt’s not enough that our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is now openly cavorting as a lesbian with her bosom buddy, DJ Samantha Ronson; lovely little Lindsay has been outed as being at the center of lesbian love triangle.
Courtenay Semel, the homely daughter of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, was reportedly Lindsay’s first lady lover, and battled with Ronson for the freckled freak’s attentions, before losing out to the surly Samantha, the tabloids claim.
Shocking stuff! But we at The Rag have uncovered the true identity of Lindsay’s very first lesbian lover, before Samantha, before Courtenay. The lucky lady was …
Condoleezza Rice! Lindsay not only flouted gender conventions, she also crossed racial boundaries!
Condoleezza RiceAnd now we know why Condi always looks so mean … just like Samantha, now that we think of it!
Donald Trump Who would’ve thought Donald Trump would do something nice? But the pompadoured puffball has apparently offered to buy pathetic Ed McMahon’s house to “save” it for Big Ed!
Ed McMahon
MadonnaOur absolute favorite person ever, Madonna, celebrated her 50th birthday Saturday at a gala event in London.
I just want to say from the bottom of what passes for my heart what an honor it is to have Madonna on The Rag this week.
Of course, at 50, you’d think she wouldn’t be having her cycle anymore. But maybe that’s just Our Holy Lady’s special form of stigmata.
Aren’t I a vicious little bitch?
And how was your week?
Posted Sunday, Aug. 17, 2008
Hello, all you beautiful, bouncing bitches out there! This is your boy Dick Jiggles, sorting out the wheat from the chaff and the hard from the limp in that vast wasteland known as American Celebutainment! Can I get a “Hell, yes!”?
Nikki BlonskyHoly shit! Have you heard about the full-on fracas between Hairspray’s hefty Nikki Blonsky and America’s Next Top Model’s mannish Bianca Golden at a Caribbean airport? Honey, this was downright ugly — and I’m not talking about their faces!
It seems Bianca’s entourage (what a sad group that must be) insisted that Blonsky’s family move some of their luggage so they could sit down in the departure lounge. Next thing you know, insults — including the “N” word — were flying, and fists weren’t far behind!
Nikki’s dad, Carl, was arrested for punching Bianca’s mom, who was hospitalized with a broken nose and a cracked skull! Carl, who faces a potential eight-year prison sentence, was being held on $75,000 bail, which his family reportedly was unable to post. Seriously, if you don’t have 75K between your entire family, should you be acting like royalty on a Caribbean trip?
And did you know both these battling bitches are just 19 years old? Nikki, Bianca — get over yourselves. Neither of you have fans who would fight each other for the chance to go to the Caribbean with you, so why are you and your families breaking out the brass knuckles over an airport chair? You’ve both been extremely lucky to have a moment in the spotlight, and now you’ve spoiled it with a tacky display of trailer trash behavior. Way to go, ho — times two!
Mary-Kate OlsenMary-Kate Olsen (you know, the rehab twin, not the prissy one) is insisting on immunity in return for talking to authorities about her possible connection to Heath Ledger and his untimely death from a prescription pill overdose. Reportedly, Ledger’s masseuse, after finding his body, phoned Olsen three times before she called 911, and Olsen (from California) dispatched her personal security guards to Ledger’s apartment in New York, where they arrived in minutes.
Wow, that’s some heavy shit for a Full House moppet to be involved in. Help, Uncle Jessie! And no disrespect to Ledger, but this was a guy who went out of his way to avoid the publicity machine and the Hollywood scene — what the hell was he doing with an Olsen twin? Even if she is the sloppy-looking one, this guy was prepping to make his rep as the Joker of our nightmares. And at the same time he was apparently trading meds with the Miley Cyrus of the 90’s? (O.K., half the Miley Cyrus of the 90’s.)
And evidently it killed him. Or did it? Read the next item …
Here’s a rumor making its way across the Wild Ass Web: there’s supposedly a Dark Knight curse that keeps claiming victims. First, Heath Ledger dies far too young; then, on the weekend the movie is released, Batman himself, Christian Bale, is arrested for threatening his mother and sister (or some such thing; it was in London, and who knows what the hell their laws are there?); and then this week Morgan Freeman is seriously injured in a car wreck. Three Dark Knight stars, three unfortunate events.
But is it a Dark Knight curse or a Batman curse? Check it out: Michael Keaton was the 80’s Batman; the dude’s hair fell out. Val Kilmer was the 90’s Batman; his career disappeared. Chris O’Donnell played the gay-riffic Robin; his career eloped with Kilmer’s. And Batgirl Alicia Silverstone’s career felt jilted and went into hiding to cry. Of course, nothing really terrible happened to any of these people … as far as we know. When’s the last time you saw any of them?
Miley Cyrus
I mentioned Miley Cyrus earlier in this column, and I’ll likely be mentioning her again and again in the future. This talent-free little tootsie’s career is red hot right now. According to the Nielsen ratings, the Teen Choice awards viewership was up 73 percent this year. Why? Because smiley Miley was the host, of course! (Love those buckteeth, by the way! Cute!)
How in the hell has Billy Ray Cryus engineered (genetically or otherwise) the world-beating career of his daughter? This guy doesn’t look smart enough to program a VCR, but his little girl is making so much money she’s starting to seem like Oprah. Just younger. And skinnier. And white. And female.
Maybe Disney has developed some kind of virus or brain-washing ray that’s emitted from their craptastic programming. Girls from 4 to 14 idolize Miley and buy everything her face is pictured on. Prepare yourself for the Cyrus Sanitary Pad and the Miley-Maxi. You know that family won’t pass up an opportunity to make a buck!
Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan’s dad Michael — you remember him, the jailbird — weighed in on the topic of his daughter’s alleged fiancé, DJ/lifestyle accessory Samantha Ronson.
Michael said his freckled freak of a daughter “knows better” than to even discuss a lesbian wedding to Ronson with her dear old dad.
Oh, come on, Mikey! Think how much fun Sam’s bachelor party will be!
Samantha RonsonThis column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Aug. 8, 2008
Our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is back in the news again. Oh joy!
It seems the freckled freak was rushed to a New York emergency room at 3 a.m. Saturday morning after being “almost hit” by a motorcycle while leaving a club. She was not seriously injured and was discharged after an hour.
What a horrific experience! And all this after “almost” being arrested for trying to kill someone with a car, “almost” turning her life around in rehab (three times last year), “almost” having a singing career and “almost” being a lesbian.
“Almost” only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, ho! And “almost” getting run over isn’t going to keep you on tabloid covers. You’ve got too much competition these days. Girl, you need to get your shit together and do something all the way! Before America “almost” forgets about your crazy ass! Just let your inner problem child run amok and we’ll all love you again! Kisses!
Political sad-sack John Edwards was embarrassed last week by claims that he has a mistress and illegitimate child in California. Gee, and we all thought he was too boring to be president!
The North Carolina haircut-that-talks was supposedly caught sneaking out of his mistress’s Beverly Hills hotel room at 2 a.m. And now the tabloid photogs involved have filed a lawsuit alleging the hotel guards of roughing them up while keeping them away from Edwards.
Wow, John, I guess there really are two Americas: one for people who can afford to hide their mistresses and bastard babies in Beverly Hills hotels; and the other for the rest of us who laugh our asses off when rich fatcats get caught with their pants down. And let’s not even mention your sick wife.
Way to go, douchebag! You make Bill Clinton look like a sensitive guy!
Speaking of tabloid photographers getting their asses stomped, security guards for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie allegedly handed a beat down to two lensmen prowling the couple’s property in France last week. Paparazzi being what they are, the photogs fought back in their own unique way.
Freelance photographer Luc Goursolas told the press, "I threw myself at them, put blood all over them and told them I had HIV so they would stop hitting me.”
Add another chapter to The Manly Art of Self-Defense. Still, these two losers were trying to take pictures, not kill anybody. Couldn’t Brangelina have just adopted the two photographers? They’ve got, like, 80 kids now. I thought they were all about world peace and love, not beating people up. But then I watched Wanted. And Fight Club. And Tomb Raider. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
OK, so maybe ass-kicking is right in character for this power couple …
corridors of power
Get this, people — Richard Simmons is considering running for Congress!
Now there’s a candidate with a rainbow coalition!
Seriously, folks, the fat-ass exercise guru may just take the political plunge. Speaking on Capitol Hill last week, tackling the issue of childhood obesity and pushing for increased school exercise programs, Simmons also coyly suggested he may run for office. Here. In America.
"I want to have the respect of a congressman, I want to talk like a congressman, and maybe, someday, I'll be a congressman,” Dicky Boy said, and when questioned about his intentions, he added, "However I can be of use. If my country wants me, I'll be there for my country."
Honestly, now, has anyone in this country ever truly wanted Richard Simmons?
And did you know that bitch is 60 years old now? Oh, honey, patriotism is the last refuge of an old queen.
And how was your week?
Posted Sunday, July 27, 2008
Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer
Groovy guitarman John Mayer and his elderly gal pal Jennifer Aniston have been turning heads with their lovey-dovey behavior since spring, and now they’ve got jaws dropping as members of their inner circles hint the celebtastic couple may actually get married! Holy publicity stunt, Batman!
A “close friend” of Mayer swears it’s true. "John is officially off the market," a friend of the Grammy-winning rocker told a tabloid this week. "He's had his fill of one-night stands and meaningless hookups. He’s had enough groupies, enough female stalkers, enough girls hiding under his bed. He’s had enough anonymous sex, enough three-way sex, enough ‘six-pack of women’ sex to last him a lifetime. He’s had enough blondes, enough redheads, enough black girls, enough Latin girls, enough Asian girls. He’s had enough breasts, enough legs, enough asses, enough legs, enough tits, enough asses … enough … tits … enough …” The “close friend” then fell to muttering and publicly masturbating.
Sounds like Johnny Boy’s the marrying kind to me! But what do I know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee-hee!
I yawned last week when I heard that Madonna had been seen with her hands all over a rod. Can we say Old News? How 90’s! Then my yawns turned to chills when I learned that she had actually been pawing A-Rod, the gazillionaire superathlete Alex Rodriguez. Shit the bed, Fred!
A-Rod, who endured a very public embarrassment last year over marital infidelities with blonde strippers, is currently in the midst of a bitter divorce with his busty wife, while Madge’s marriage with Guy WhatshisnameEnglishman is on its last high heel, as we all know. How scandalous for these two megastars in the middle of divorce wars to turn to each other for comfort, understanding and hot biracial sex!
Of course, it all turned out to be a sham. Her Holiness and the Latino Rod have the same manager, don’t you know. Ah, I see, said the blind man. It all makes sense now. They both get a ton of free publicity and no one’s the worse for wear — except their humiliated spouses, but who cares about them?
The National Midnight Globe is reporting that Cher is this close to getting married again. The 62-year-old diva is reportedly planning to wed a 36-year-old civilian (a.k.a. non-famous person) at a ceremony in Las Vegas.
Well, where else? Why not do it on stage, honey? Show that skinny bitch Celine Dion how to really put on a show! Wayne Newton could walk you down the aisle, Prince could perform the ceremony and Tom Jones could be the best man (he’s the best I’ve ever seen!)
The bridesmaids could all be topless showgirls, and a battalion of legal-in-Nevada hookers could be the ushers. Free handjobs for all the guests!
For the entertainment, Cirque du Soleil could perform their Franco-philiac interpretations of “I Got You Babe” and “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” and Criss Angel could make himself disappear (finally).
But remember, guys, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. No one would pay to see that shit anywhere else.
Natural born nerd Quentin Tarantino reportedly showed his new script, “Insufferable Bastards,” to four major studios this week, looking for financing. After the complete flop of his six-hour spectacle “Grimehouse” last year, QT is branching out and seeking big time studio support for his new project, and has reportedly even contacted noted tough guy character actor Brad Pitt about starring in the onanistic opus.
The script, a 500-page war story about some lowlife hipsters who quote a lot of old movies and point their guns at each other all at the same time, is already a legend in Hollywood circles. Crazy Quentin has been working on it (and bragging it up) for more than a decade now, and every has-been actor in town is hoping he’ll look at them as fodder for his comeback-making machine. Personally, I can’t wait to see it! I just love shitty movies! Here’s blood in your eye, you big ugly spaz!
Posted Thursday, July 10, 2008
Madonna
Love Don’t Live Here Anymore
The battling blondes supposedly never signed a pre-nup, so the divorce should be a horrible bloody mess — just like Guy’s films! It seems our blessed Madonna has hired Paul McCartney's lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, to represent her in the divorce precedings.
Countering that move, Guy has hired Heather Mills herself to represent him. Smart move — that cold-blooded. gold-digging, one-legged harpie certainly extracted every pound she possibly could from Paul’s hide.
From a fan’s perspective, though, this is all good news. Did we ever really want to see Maddy married? Of course not. We want her to go on dancing, singing and conceptualizing forever — like an immortal performance artist/Terminator robot. Give ‘em hell and don’t give Guy a cent, Dita baby!
Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq Attacked
Sheriff Joe got all upset because of some online video of Shaq rapping about how Kobe Bryant can’t win a championship without him (the truth hurts, honey). So the big, bad sheriff told the press he wants Shaq’s special deputy badge back. He’d made Shaquille a special deputy in January and promoted him to colonel of his “posse” earlier this month.
Seems the self-proclaimed “America’s Toughest Sheriff” objected to Shaq’s use of a racial slur in the rap. “I don’t condone this kind of racial conduct,” Arpaio said. Oh, sure, we can’t have racism in Arizona! I’m sure Sheriff Joe’s policy of feeding inmates green bologna and making them work on chain gangs isn’t racially motivated at all.
Listen up, you pockmarked old lardass! Leave Shaq alone! If he wants to play deputy then you let him go right ahead! He’s earned it!
By the way, if Shaq showed up at my doorway with a deputy’s badge, sugar, I’d put my hands up and my pants down! Whatever you say, officer!
Verne Troyer
The Next Big Porn Star
It’s true. Word on the street says a shady character is trying to market a Verne Troyer sex tape, and he’s asking six figures.
Six figures for that? Come on, now. I can see looking at it as sort of a scientific/sociological experiment, but paying to see it? I like a little role-playing now and again, but I’m not that much of a sadist.
Lindsay Lohan
We Don’t Believe You
Oh my God, I’m getting faint, I’ve got to sit down. Now everybody knows that in Hollywood boys like the boys and girls like the girls and everything’s fair game, but nobody comes right out and flaunts it in the paparazzi’s faces. It’s their jobs to work for those incriminating photos. You don’t just hand it to them on a platter! Really, Lindsay, you’re taking all the fun out of it!
Slow down, girl, you’re moving too fast. You haven’t even turned 22 and you’re already box office poison, an ex-con and a rehab vet, and now you’re a lesbian who likes knives! Honey, save the acting for the screen!
We know you’re a little freak, but we also know you like boys. We appreciate the gesture, but really, you can’t come out of the closet until you’ve been in it. Just run around and drink too much and chase some more people down in a stolen car. We’ll love you again! You crazy bitch!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is wholly intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Thursday, June 26, 2008
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy Dick Jiggles, revealing the ugly truth behind the beautiful mask of American Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
Ed McMahon
Where's Publisher's Clearing House?
Oh. My. God. Have you seen big, fat Ed McMahon on TV moaning about how he doesn't have any more money? Tacky!
It seems Big Ed is this close to having his Beverly Hills home taken away by the bank. He says he's been trying to sell it for years but has had no takers. Well, duh! Imagine trying to get the "old guy" smell out of there!
He's apparently $644,000 in arrears on a $4.8 million loan for the home. Come on, people! Does he deserve this kind of embarrassment after laughing at Johnny's jokes and saying, "Hey-yo!" every night for 70 years? Let's all kick in a buck or two for the old fart. Not to pay off his mansion, though. To buy him a nicer-looking neck brace. That thing looks ghetto, E-Mac!
Lil' Wayne
Thug Saves Music Industry
Record executives are down on their knees sobbing with relief now that Lil' Wayne's new album sold a million copies in its first week in stores. No musician has managed the feat since fellow felon 50 Cent turned the trick three years ago.
Now that the record companies have seen the path to higher sales, the entire music industry is getting a makeover: Carrie Underwood has had a tear tattoed under her eye; the Rascal Flatts boys are smoking crack and shooting heroin; and Clay Aiken is pimping out Miley Cyrus on the street in downtown L.A. Just think how much better their music is going to be! I can't wait!
Katherine Heigl
No Emmy for Me, Thanks
Have you heard? The cool thing in Hollywood now is to opt out of entertainment awards. Big, frightening Katherine Heigl asked not to be considered for an Emmy for "Grey's Anatomy," and now luscious little lunatic Lindsay Lohan is getting all self-deprecating and saying "No thanks" to a possible Emmy nod for her "Ugly Betty" appearance.
Everybody is getting in on the game! Isiah Washington has withdrawn has name from consideration for the GLAAD Awards; Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman has pulled out of the running for the NAACP Image Awards; and Paris Hilton is saying, "Thank you, no" to Best Ballhandler in the Porn Awards in Las Vegas next month. Aren't celebrities so humble?
Britney Spears
Gone, Daddy, Gone
Our favorite belly-dancing basket case is at it again! Go, Britney, you crazy bitch!
Word is that the courts have given Britney Spears' dad the go-ahead to sell her Studio City mansion, the site of her infamous freak-outs earlier this year. Remember when they brought her out on a stretcher and put her crazy ass in the ambulance? Honey, you can't buy memories like that.
Don't let your daddy sell the place, Britney! That's the house that Vicodin built! It should be one of our holy places now. We worship you, Brit-Brit! Don't get all normal on us! Crazy's what you do best, sweetie!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is Dick Jiggles, your faithful correspondent broadcasting straight from the decadent heart of American Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
That tempting “Translation” tramp, Scarlett Johansson, first told the AP back in January that she was “engaged” to presidential candidate Barack Obama, saying, “My heart belongs to Barack.”
Now the Scarlett vixen has gone one step farther, telling anyone who’ll listen that the presumptive Democratic nominee has fathered her unborn child.
“I’m Obama’s baby mama!” Johansson said.
How that will sit with voters — let alone Obama’s wife and children — is an open question, and one I’m not going to bother my pretty little head with. There’s too much gossip out there, girls! Who’s got time for boring old politics? Puke, puke!
Hulk Hogan and his pathetic, jailed son, Nick, are planning to star in a reality show! Oh, joy!
Apparently, the Hulkster can’t wait for Nicky boy to be released from prison, so Daddy Spandex is planning to have himself arrested, thrown into the same tiny cell as his son (which Nick described as “half the size of my bathroom”) and videotape the whole thing for posterity. Genius, pure sweaty genius!
How will Hulk get himself thrown in the clink? Maybe he’ll do as Nick did, and crash a car, paralyzing his passenger. First dibs for shotgun would have to go to the Hulkster’s wife, Linda, who’s suing the trunk-wearing terror for divorce!
Maybe the macho mustached man will do society a favor and put his chunky daughter Brooke on his lap and drive a tractor-trailer through the prison gates straight into Nick’s cell, taking out the entire family in one fell swoop. In prime time, no less! That would be my vote, but what do I know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee hee!
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Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy! Kisses!
Oh, not a traditional daddy, in the sense that he made love to a woman and fathered a child. No, no, how boring!
Our beloved Claymate is going to be a daddy in the sense that his sperm and the eggs from an unknown female donor were surgically placed inside the body of a 50-year-old woman. Isn’t nature beautiful?
Clay’s partner in baby-making is named Jaymes Foster. She’s a woman! Honestly, I swear! You guys!
Britney, you bitch, you’re at it again! Oops!
Just when Britney Spears had started to seem all boring and normal, we found out that she and Mel Gibson were headed to Costa Rica to vacation together. Mel’s 52 and married, but who cares? He’s also crazy, and everybody knows Britney’s bat shit, so the more the merrier!
Back in March the two had been spotted having dinner together in California. So what’s ahead for what may be the most insane couple in the history of Hollywood?
Insiders whisper that Mad Mel wants to show Britney the beauty of old Europe, specifically Germany and Austria. Brit-Brit, for her part, wants to take Mel back home to Louisiana. She just can’t remember how to get there! Oh, come on, Britney, drop your pants and make us all smile one more time!
Tiny Angels is a very creative international charity that teams young sensitive boys with loving mentors from all walks of life. Put your compassion where your mouth is and support this very special cause. I know I do.
Give ‘til it hurts, bitches! You know you love it!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 11, 2008
