| The West Virginia Rag |
| The Only Fake News Site Devoted Solely to the Mountain State |
| The ghost of Osama Bin Laden is still on The Rag this week! "I can't believe I died before Charlie Sheen," he confides to Satan. |
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| The West Virginia Rag is a satiric humor site produced strictly for the entertainment of our readers. No factual information is intended or should be inferred from our stories. So grow up. Copyright The World Wide Rag 2011 |
News flash:
Comedianne Wanda
Sykes dissed the
entire Mountain State
on the CBS Craig
Ferguson show March
10, saying it was full
of "hillbillies."
Say, didn't Wanda
just do a commercial
lecturing everyone
not to use the word
"gay" in a derogatory
way, because it can
hurt people's
feelings?
I guess Wanda feels
it's OK to hurt
people's feelings as
long as they're poor,
dumb "hillbillies" in
West Virginia. I
guess it's never
occurred to her that
some gay people live
here, too.
All we can say to
hateful Wanda is
what she said in that
commercial: "Knock
it off!"
Seems like Wanda
hates hillbillies more
than anything --
except penis, of
course.
Comedianne Wanda
Sykes dissed the
entire Mountain State
on the CBS Craig
Ferguson show March
10, saying it was full
of "hillbillies."
Say, didn't Wanda
just do a commercial
lecturing everyone
not to use the word
"gay" in a derogatory
way, because it can
hurt people's
feelings?
I guess Wanda feels
it's OK to hurt
people's feelings as
long as they're poor,
dumb "hillbillies" in
West Virginia. I
guess it's never
occurred to her that
some gay people live
here, too.
All we can say to
hateful Wanda is
what she said in that
commercial: "Knock
it off!"
Seems like Wanda
hates hillbillies more
than anything --
except penis, of
course.
| Knock it off, Wanda! |
| Transfer them Troopers, Earl Ray! |
Outraged State Police officials are suggesting
that the current and former presidents of the West
Virginia Troopers Association union have both
been involuntarily transferred to patrol duty
because the group endorsed state Treasurer John
Perdue instead of acting Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin in
the race for governor.
Way to go, Earl Ray! You transfer them troopers,
boy! Politics as usual in the Mountain State.
Officials were told the troopers were transferred
because their faces could be seen in a photograph
of Perdue with state troopers on the Troopers
Association website, which could "compromise
ongoing investigations."
Tomblin reportedly also has plans to transfer
Perdue-supporting firefighters to the Division of
Highways, Perdue-loving highway workers to the
DMV, and DMV Perdue fans to man the state's fire
departments.
"Let's see how ol' John governs with that goddamn
mess," Earl Ray supposedly told insiders, while
contemplating transferring Treasurer Perdue to
Logan County dogcatcher.
that the current and former presidents of the West
Virginia Troopers Association union have both
been involuntarily transferred to patrol duty
because the group endorsed state Treasurer John
Perdue instead of acting Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin in
the race for governor.
Way to go, Earl Ray! You transfer them troopers,
boy! Politics as usual in the Mountain State.
Officials were told the troopers were transferred
because their faces could be seen in a photograph
of Perdue with state troopers on the Troopers
Association website, which could "compromise
ongoing investigations."
Tomblin reportedly also has plans to transfer
Perdue-supporting firefighters to the Division of
Highways, Perdue-loving highway workers to the
DMV, and DMV Perdue fans to man the state's fire
departments.
"Let's see how ol' John governs with that goddamn
mess," Earl Ray supposedly told insiders, while
contemplating transferring Treasurer Perdue to
Logan County dogcatcher.
| Dwight ain't right Why do they still let this dumbass broadcast WVU games? |
| A face made for radio; a brain made for fingerpainting |
Listening to the MSN Radio
broadcast of the Blue & Gold
game over the weekend, two
things were apparent: first,
that Tony Caridi is a smooth
play-by-play man who does a
great job; and second, that
color analyst Dwight Wallace
sounds like somebody who
rode the short bus to school.
Sample exchange from this
mismatched pair:
broadcast of the Blue & Gold
game over the weekend, two
things were apparent: first,
that Tony Caridi is a smooth
play-by-play man who does a
great job; and second, that
color analyst Dwight Wallace
sounds like somebody who
rode the short bus to school.
Sample exchange from this
mismatched pair:
Caridi: "And Geno Smith is taken down for a loss!
Might be a blown coverage on the offensive line.
What happened there, Dwight?"
Wallace: "Well, Toe-ny, the dee-fensive line-man
pushed his way past the ah-ffensive line-man and
brought the quar-ter-back to the ground. It's
called a sack, Toe-ny."
Caridi: "OK, in-depth analysis as always, Dwight.
Second and 20 ..."
I know, I know, Dwight was an assistant coach
under Don Nelan, and he coached Major Harris.
But why not GET Major Harris to do color for the
broadcasts? Or Pat White? Or Avon Cobourne or
Amos Zereoue or Jake "the Snake" Kelchner?
How could any of them possibly do a worse job
than Dwight? Hell, get Don Nelan himself! He
could provide better analysis than this in his sleep:
Caridi: "All the way down to the 15! Smith looked
great on that run, Dwight!"
(A pause.)
Wallace: "That was a good play, Toe-ny."
(Another pause.)
Caridi: "Yes, it was, Dwight. Back to the action!"
The worst part of it is, Wallace lives in
Indianapolis. He flies in for the games! Can't we at
least get a guy who lives in West Virginia to call
the WVU games? Surely we can find a local guy
who is slow talking, slow-witted and doesn't seem
to know that much about football. That way we
could maintain the current level of performance,
AND stop outsourcing the job to Indiana.
Think about it, MSN! Football season will be here
before you know it! Drop this dolt and get us a
real commentator! Or at least an equally lame
local guy!
Might be a blown coverage on the offensive line.
What happened there, Dwight?"
Wallace: "Well, Toe-ny, the dee-fensive line-man
pushed his way past the ah-ffensive line-man and
brought the quar-ter-back to the ground. It's
called a sack, Toe-ny."
Caridi: "OK, in-depth analysis as always, Dwight.
Second and 20 ..."
I know, I know, Dwight was an assistant coach
under Don Nelan, and he coached Major Harris.
But why not GET Major Harris to do color for the
broadcasts? Or Pat White? Or Avon Cobourne or
Amos Zereoue or Jake "the Snake" Kelchner?
How could any of them possibly do a worse job
than Dwight? Hell, get Don Nelan himself! He
could provide better analysis than this in his sleep:
Caridi: "All the way down to the 15! Smith looked
great on that run, Dwight!"
(A pause.)
Wallace: "That was a good play, Toe-ny."
(Another pause.)
Caridi: "Yes, it was, Dwight. Back to the action!"
The worst part of it is, Wallace lives in
Indianapolis. He flies in for the games! Can't we at
least get a guy who lives in West Virginia to call
the WVU games? Surely we can find a local guy
who is slow talking, slow-witted and doesn't seem
to know that much about football. That way we
could maintain the current level of performance,
AND stop outsourcing the job to Indiana.
Think about it, MSN! Football season will be here
before you know it! Drop this dolt and get us a
real commentator! Or at least an equally lame
local guy!
Get your Mattresses Ready:
WVU to Sell Beer at Football Games
WVU to Sell Beer at Football Games
In a move that's certain to increase
binge drinking and uncivil behavior,
WVU's Board of Governors voted
Friday to approve the sale of beer at
WVU football games in order to
"reduce binge drinking and uncivil
behavior."
"You see, it's all reverse psychology,"
said WVU Athletic Director Oliver
Luck, widely known as the Smartest
Man in West Virginia (he was a
Rhodes scholar, damnit!). "We want
fans to stop getting drunk and getting
into fights, so we're going to sell
them beer in the stands. It's brilliant,
you see?"
Well, no.
"Up 'till now fans have had to go out
to the parking lot in order to drink
during games. Now they can just sit
in their seats and drink all afternoon.
So they won't want to do it anymore!
It's a stroke of genius!"
Could the fact that beer sales will
bring in at least $500,000 per season
have motivated this plan?
"Of course not," Luck said with a
laugh. "We care only about the safety
of our fans. That's why we're going to
sell them icy cold alcoholic
beverages to drink quickly in the hot
sun. What could go wrong?"
Luck's future plans include installing
stripper poles in the student sections
and a casino in the press box.
"Hey, don't worry, I'm the guy who's
bringing in an inexperienced future
head coach to work for a year under
the current coach, who knows he's
being fired," Luck grinned. "It'll all
work out. I'm a Rhodes scholar,
remember?"
-- Saturday, June 4, 2011
binge drinking and uncivil behavior,
WVU's Board of Governors voted
Friday to approve the sale of beer at
WVU football games in order to
"reduce binge drinking and uncivil
behavior."
"You see, it's all reverse psychology,"
said WVU Athletic Director Oliver
Luck, widely known as the Smartest
Man in West Virginia (he was a
Rhodes scholar, damnit!). "We want
fans to stop getting drunk and getting
into fights, so we're going to sell
them beer in the stands. It's brilliant,
you see?"
Well, no.
"Up 'till now fans have had to go out
to the parking lot in order to drink
during games. Now they can just sit
in their seats and drink all afternoon.
So they won't want to do it anymore!
It's a stroke of genius!"
Could the fact that beer sales will
bring in at least $500,000 per season
have motivated this plan?
"Of course not," Luck said with a
laugh. "We care only about the safety
of our fans. That's why we're going to
sell them icy cold alcoholic
beverages to drink quickly in the hot
sun. What could go wrong?"
Luck's future plans include installing
stripper poles in the student sections
and a casino in the press box.
"Hey, don't worry, I'm the guy who's
bringing in an inexperienced future
head coach to work for a year under
the current coach, who knows he's
being fired," Luck grinned. "It'll all
work out. I'm a Rhodes scholar,
remember?"
-- Saturday, June 4, 2011
| The Smartest Man in West Virginia |
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