The World Wide Rag
| Sumbitch of the Week |
| We ALL object. Bitch. |
| Nancy Grace Aug. 5, 2008 |
When you think of the word "sumbitch," it's usually a man that comes to mind. We have tons of other, even
more horrible names to call objectionable women, usually unfairly and in the heat of an argument over a
fishing trip or a family reunion. But in the case of this reprehensible, lying, deceptive, utterly disgusting bitch
(see, even I'm doing it), we at The Rag are willing to make an exception. Nancy Grace fully conforms to every
criteria, and actually red-lines most of our meters when it comes to determining what it means to be a true
sumbitch.
You've seen this shrill slut on CNN, even if it's just on the commercials, which they run incessantly to boost
her flagging ratings (in between ads for Andy Cooper's "Boy oh boy, am I a sensitive guy" spots, and the
"I'm Christiane Amanpour, and I have credibility because I have a European accent of some sort and haven't
been blown to shit yet" smarm). Not even Larry King gets as much time between segments as this harpy.
Hell, even Larry King has better journalistic credentials than Nancy the Shrew.
But more to the point, while Grace goes to every length imaginable to portray herself as the voice of law and
order, the voice of the victim, the voice that (she supposes) is inside all our heads when we hear a terrible
story on the news, she is in fact herself one of the worst examples of how our justice system can and is
perverted, subverted, and twisted by self-serving grandstanders.
To wit: While a prosecutor with the Fulton County, Georgia attorney general's office, Grace was cited
numerous times for prosecutorial misconduct, once ending in a mistrial for a heroin trafficking case, and
more fabulously in the overturning of a murder-arson conviction of a guy that should have swung, but for
her outrageous (and patently illegal) interventions in the case in order to make headlines.
Nancy Grace uses terms like "character," and "judgment," and "personal responsibility" during her
ear-splitting broadcasts. How well does all that dovetail with her own history of displaying a complete lack
of character, a total lack of judgment, and zero personal responsibility? Want some examples?
The most absolutely heinous examples are probably the most famous, but here they are for the news
impaired:
The Duke Lacrosse Scandal: Grace beat on those punks like they owed her money. Night after night, she
hammered and yammered away in defense of Mike Nifong and the prosecution's non-existent case of gang
rape. The punks got exonerated. Nifong got disbarred. Nancy got ratings. Nancy never apologized for
backing the wrong horse. Or for slandering about thirty people in the process.
The Elizabeth Smart Kidnapping: After weeks of accusing the wrong man (Richard Ricci) for this teen's
abduction, and even following his death, Grace never made any comment other than to say that he was to
blame for the presumption of guilt because he was an ex-con. Come to find out it was somebody else
altogether, not even remotely connected to Ricci. Again, think this trollop apologized? Not a chance.
The Melinda Duckett Suicide: And we come to this sumbitch's crowning achievement to date, actually
driving a grieving mother to suicide. Back in 2006, a Florida toddler went missing and became a media
sensation the likes of which we hadn't seen since Elian Gonzalez. The parents were constantly grilled on
24-hour TV, with a lot of inconclusive results. But not for Nancy Drew. Ms. Graceless berated and all but
accused the obviously overwrought mother (whose command of English was poor at best) of murder on
national television with any number of leading, damning, loaded questions that no one on earth could
answer and not come out looking guilty. So the next day, Melinda Duckett shot herself through the head.
Nice job, you fucking bitch. When asked about the incident, Grace's response was to the effect that "...guilt
made her commit suicide."
Judgment? You actively allowed your old ass to get pregnant at age 47, at which the chance of producing a
Mongoloid idiot is about 90 times that of a woman 35 years old or less. Character? You drove a potentially
innocent mother to suicide with your self-righteous bullshit and pulpit-busting sermonizing.
Personal responsibility? Time and time again on your unwatchable show and in your shitty books, you
prove that in your own mind you are coated with Teflon, and will never, ever wear any of the responsibility
for your ridiculous actions. But trust us, there's a special place in Hell for sumbitches like you.
more horrible names to call objectionable women, usually unfairly and in the heat of an argument over a
fishing trip or a family reunion. But in the case of this reprehensible, lying, deceptive, utterly disgusting bitch
(see, even I'm doing it), we at The Rag are willing to make an exception. Nancy Grace fully conforms to every
criteria, and actually red-lines most of our meters when it comes to determining what it means to be a true
sumbitch.
You've seen this shrill slut on CNN, even if it's just on the commercials, which they run incessantly to boost
her flagging ratings (in between ads for Andy Cooper's "Boy oh boy, am I a sensitive guy" spots, and the
"I'm Christiane Amanpour, and I have credibility because I have a European accent of some sort and haven't
been blown to shit yet" smarm). Not even Larry King gets as much time between segments as this harpy.
Hell, even Larry King has better journalistic credentials than Nancy the Shrew.
But more to the point, while Grace goes to every length imaginable to portray herself as the voice of law and
order, the voice of the victim, the voice that (she supposes) is inside all our heads when we hear a terrible
story on the news, she is in fact herself one of the worst examples of how our justice system can and is
perverted, subverted, and twisted by self-serving grandstanders.
To wit: While a prosecutor with the Fulton County, Georgia attorney general's office, Grace was cited
numerous times for prosecutorial misconduct, once ending in a mistrial for a heroin trafficking case, and
more fabulously in the overturning of a murder-arson conviction of a guy that should have swung, but for
her outrageous (and patently illegal) interventions in the case in order to make headlines.
Nancy Grace uses terms like "character," and "judgment," and "personal responsibility" during her
ear-splitting broadcasts. How well does all that dovetail with her own history of displaying a complete lack
of character, a total lack of judgment, and zero personal responsibility? Want some examples?
The most absolutely heinous examples are probably the most famous, but here they are for the news
impaired:
The Duke Lacrosse Scandal: Grace beat on those punks like they owed her money. Night after night, she
hammered and yammered away in defense of Mike Nifong and the prosecution's non-existent case of gang
rape. The punks got exonerated. Nifong got disbarred. Nancy got ratings. Nancy never apologized for
backing the wrong horse. Or for slandering about thirty people in the process.
The Elizabeth Smart Kidnapping: After weeks of accusing the wrong man (Richard Ricci) for this teen's
abduction, and even following his death, Grace never made any comment other than to say that he was to
blame for the presumption of guilt because he was an ex-con. Come to find out it was somebody else
altogether, not even remotely connected to Ricci. Again, think this trollop apologized? Not a chance.
The Melinda Duckett Suicide: And we come to this sumbitch's crowning achievement to date, actually
driving a grieving mother to suicide. Back in 2006, a Florida toddler went missing and became a media
sensation the likes of which we hadn't seen since Elian Gonzalez. The parents were constantly grilled on
24-hour TV, with a lot of inconclusive results. But not for Nancy Drew. Ms. Graceless berated and all but
accused the obviously overwrought mother (whose command of English was poor at best) of murder on
national television with any number of leading, damning, loaded questions that no one on earth could
answer and not come out looking guilty. So the next day, Melinda Duckett shot herself through the head.
Nice job, you fucking bitch. When asked about the incident, Grace's response was to the effect that "...guilt
made her commit suicide."
Judgment? You actively allowed your old ass to get pregnant at age 47, at which the chance of producing a
Mongoloid idiot is about 90 times that of a woman 35 years old or less. Character? You drove a potentially
innocent mother to suicide with your self-righteous bullshit and pulpit-busting sermonizing.
Personal responsibility? Time and time again on your unwatchable show and in your shitty books, you
prove that in your own mind you are coated with Teflon, and will never, ever wear any of the responsibility
for your ridiculous actions. But trust us, there's a special place in Hell for sumbitches like you.
| Robert Mugabe July 26, 2008 |
| "You voted for me, right?" |
We all know Africa has more than its share of problems. We damn well should; we've written reams of
reports about the problems there. Held innumerable meetings. Convened debated endlessly. Peopled
panels. Sent envoys. Listened to Bono. Seen Bono on panels. Gave Bono medals. And it all adds up to one
thing: Absolutely fucking nothing. AIDS, ignorance, greed and apathy have made this continent look like the
green room to Hell, and there's tons of blame to go around. But let's stay focused. A few individuals
shoulder more than their share of the blame, which brings us to this sumbitch, Robert Mugabe, President of
Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia; we'll get to that in a moment). And he means to keep that title for life.
Originally elected Prime Minister in Zimbabwe's first real election in 1980, Mugabe continued the
time-honored southern African traditions of forming a secret police force/goon squad and turning them
loose on any and all opposition. In one purge alone, he wiped out around 20,000 people, mostly civilians.
Nice, huh? But certainly nothing that dozens of other monomaniacal dictators haven't done, in fact kind of
pathetic when compared to a Mao or a Stalin. And since that first (mostly) deomcratic election, Mugabe has
continued to win, no matter the vote count, and regardless of international pressure for reforms. Without a
doubt, Mugabe has almost as long a middle finger as Kim Jong Il when it comes to international criticism.
But where King Robert has really distinguished himself is in the field of economics. As outside pressure has
mounted over the past few years, Zimbabwe's inflation rate has exploded to 2.2 million percent, and as
much as 70 million percent for staples available primarily on the black market. The current official rate of
exchange is approximately 20 billion Zimbabwe dollars to one US dollar. On the black market (the only
market that really still matters in Zimbabwe), the rate is closer to 90 billion to one. Please take a look at those
numbers. 20 BILLION to ONE. 90 BILLION to ONE. What the fuck?!
Not that there's any real food to buy any way. Since Mugabe's land reforms (i.e., seizing land held by white
colonials and handing it out as largesse to his cronies), the cupboard is damn near bare, and on a scale that
Ol' Mother Hubbard could never imagine. We're not going to quibble about the land reforms per se, because
Zimbabwe was colonized primarily through the efforts of Cecil Rhodes (hence the original name, Rhodesia),
he of Rhodes Scholar fame. Rhodes founded the De Beers diamond mining company as a matter of profit,
plunder, and power. One of his many famous quotes: "I prefer land to niggers." There's a sensitive soul for
you. When you have a guy like Rhodes as one of your founding fathers, it's got to be tough not to be bitter
towards whitey. What is utterly unconsionable, however, is how many people have to suffer and die in
despair and disease while Shitbag Bob stays at the helm.
The most recent "election" is still under contention, but there's damn little hope of the outcome being
anything but what we expect. Our, and the world's, and most importantly the people of Zimbabwe's only
hope is that this bastard is 84 years old. And that's pretty old for a sumbitch of this magnitude.
reports about the problems there. Held innumerable meetings. Convened debated endlessly. Peopled
panels. Sent envoys. Listened to Bono. Seen Bono on panels. Gave Bono medals. And it all adds up to one
thing: Absolutely fucking nothing. AIDS, ignorance, greed and apathy have made this continent look like the
green room to Hell, and there's tons of blame to go around. But let's stay focused. A few individuals
shoulder more than their share of the blame, which brings us to this sumbitch, Robert Mugabe, President of
Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia; we'll get to that in a moment). And he means to keep that title for life.
Originally elected Prime Minister in Zimbabwe's first real election in 1980, Mugabe continued the
time-honored southern African traditions of forming a secret police force/goon squad and turning them
loose on any and all opposition. In one purge alone, he wiped out around 20,000 people, mostly civilians.
Nice, huh? But certainly nothing that dozens of other monomaniacal dictators haven't done, in fact kind of
pathetic when compared to a Mao or a Stalin. And since that first (mostly) deomcratic election, Mugabe has
continued to win, no matter the vote count, and regardless of international pressure for reforms. Without a
doubt, Mugabe has almost as long a middle finger as Kim Jong Il when it comes to international criticism.
But where King Robert has really distinguished himself is in the field of economics. As outside pressure has
mounted over the past few years, Zimbabwe's inflation rate has exploded to 2.2 million percent, and as
much as 70 million percent for staples available primarily on the black market. The current official rate of
exchange is approximately 20 billion Zimbabwe dollars to one US dollar. On the black market (the only
market that really still matters in Zimbabwe), the rate is closer to 90 billion to one. Please take a look at those
numbers. 20 BILLION to ONE. 90 BILLION to ONE. What the fuck?!
Not that there's any real food to buy any way. Since Mugabe's land reforms (i.e., seizing land held by white
colonials and handing it out as largesse to his cronies), the cupboard is damn near bare, and on a scale that
Ol' Mother Hubbard could never imagine. We're not going to quibble about the land reforms per se, because
Zimbabwe was colonized primarily through the efforts of Cecil Rhodes (hence the original name, Rhodesia),
he of Rhodes Scholar fame. Rhodes founded the De Beers diamond mining company as a matter of profit,
plunder, and power. One of his many famous quotes: "I prefer land to niggers." There's a sensitive soul for
you. When you have a guy like Rhodes as one of your founding fathers, it's got to be tough not to be bitter
towards whitey. What is utterly unconsionable, however, is how many people have to suffer and die in
despair and disease while Shitbag Bob stays at the helm.
The most recent "election" is still under contention, but there's damn little hope of the outcome being
anything but what we expect. Our, and the world's, and most importantly the people of Zimbabwe's only
hope is that this bastard is 84 years old. And that's pretty old for a sumbitch of this magnitude.
| Bob Barr July 17, 2008 |
| Looking forward to Wife #4 |
This bastard is utterly mind-boggling. Pretty much no matter where you stand on any political issue,
you can always find something to hate about this guy. So much so that we're going to give him a little
extra space this week. Former liberal Democrat. Former Reagan Republican. Current Libertarian
candidate for president. Full-time opportunist. 100% sumbitch. Introducing: Robert Laurence "Bob"
Barr, Jr.
After shedding his Viet Nam War protesting persona and signing on for an unremarkable stint at the
CIA, Junior here carpet-bagged his ass down to Georgia and re-invented himself as a hard-core pistol-
packin', gay-bashin', abortion-hatin' Reaganite. After a few false starts, he finally got himself elected to
the House of Representatives, riding the tide of Brother Newt Gingrich's Republican Revolution. And
once elected, boy did the shit hit the fan.
Barr drafted draconian Federal legislation against the use of medical marijuana under any
circumstances. He wrote and championed the Defense of Marriage Act (and he should know; he's on
his third marriage), which is tougher on gays than the Book of Leviticus. Good Ol' Boy Bob also
spearheaded the head-job impeachment hearings of Bill Clinton. And not to miss a lock-step beat with
the farthest Rightwinger out there, Barr rabidly supported the 2002 Iraq Resolution, treating the Patriot
Act as Holy Scripture. But see, that was then and this is now.
Because through a brilliant bit of gerrymandering, the Georgia Democratic party redistricted Big Bob's
piece of the pie, and he got kicked right in the nuts and right out of office in 2002, to the abject glee of
Democrats and Libertarians alike. Which left him in a pickle. Specifically, What the hell do I have to do
to get back in the game? Easy. Say anything, do anything, support whatever position seems electable,
and let 'er rip. The result? Hold onto your hats. Meet the New and Improved 2008 Model Bob Barr.
Libertarian for President. Or whatever he can get his hands on.
Barr's current, new-fangled Libertarian platform includes the following:
We could go on, but what the hell's the point? This faux shitkicker turned champion of rights is the
fucking poster child for everything that's wrong with this country's government today. And the saddest
part of it all is that he may be slightly relevant in the up-coming election. You see, he is already pulling 6-
8% of the Pissed-Off Guy votes in many states, and he is in the double-digits in others. And so far, he is
going to be on at least 49 states' ballots come November. Don't get us wrong, he doesn't have a
snowball's chance in hell of even coming close to becoming president, but he is poised to be a spoiler
for some, an irritant to others, and a living human joke for everybody. So however big a dickhead he
may be, keep your eye on this sumbitch. Stay vigilant.
you can always find something to hate about this guy. So much so that we're going to give him a little
extra space this week. Former liberal Democrat. Former Reagan Republican. Current Libertarian
candidate for president. Full-time opportunist. 100% sumbitch. Introducing: Robert Laurence "Bob"
Barr, Jr.
After shedding his Viet Nam War protesting persona and signing on for an unremarkable stint at the
CIA, Junior here carpet-bagged his ass down to Georgia and re-invented himself as a hard-core pistol-
packin', gay-bashin', abortion-hatin' Reaganite. After a few false starts, he finally got himself elected to
the House of Representatives, riding the tide of Brother Newt Gingrich's Republican Revolution. And
once elected, boy did the shit hit the fan.
Barr drafted draconian Federal legislation against the use of medical marijuana under any
circumstances. He wrote and championed the Defense of Marriage Act (and he should know; he's on
his third marriage), which is tougher on gays than the Book of Leviticus. Good Ol' Boy Bob also
spearheaded the head-job impeachment hearings of Bill Clinton. And not to miss a lock-step beat with
the farthest Rightwinger out there, Barr rabidly supported the 2002 Iraq Resolution, treating the Patriot
Act as Holy Scripture. But see, that was then and this is now.
Because through a brilliant bit of gerrymandering, the Georgia Democratic party redistricted Big Bob's
piece of the pie, and he got kicked right in the nuts and right out of office in 2002, to the abject glee of
Democrats and Libertarians alike. Which left him in a pickle. Specifically, What the hell do I have to do
to get back in the game? Easy. Say anything, do anything, support whatever position seems electable,
and let 'er rip. The result? Hold onto your hats. Meet the New and Improved 2008 Model Bob Barr.
Libertarian for President. Or whatever he can get his hands on.
Barr's current, new-fangled Libertarian platform includes the following:
- Now a vocal opponent of the Patriot Act
- Paid consultant for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)
- Now believes that medical marijuana use is really up to the individual states
- No longer on the Board of the National Rifle Association
We could go on, but what the hell's the point? This faux shitkicker turned champion of rights is the
fucking poster child for everything that's wrong with this country's government today. And the saddest
part of it all is that he may be slightly relevant in the up-coming election. You see, he is already pulling 6-
8% of the Pissed-Off Guy votes in many states, and he is in the double-digits in others. And so far, he is
going to be on at least 49 states' ballots come November. Don't get us wrong, he doesn't have a
snowball's chance in hell of even coming close to becoming president, but he is poised to be a spoiler
for some, an irritant to others, and a living human joke for everybody. So however big a dickhead he
may be, keep your eye on this sumbitch. Stay vigilant.
| Carlos Brito July 7, 2008 |
| Landscaper. |
Here's a sumbitch for you, ladies and gentlemen. Meet Senor Carlos Brito, Chief Executive Officer of the
corporation InBev. InBev is a European mega-brewer of beer, now responsible for bringing you inferior
products like Stella Artois, Beck's, and formerly one of our personal favorites, Bass Ale, all vague shadows
of their former tasty, high-end selves, but at the same premium price, but without all that troublesome
quality. And ingredients.
Normally, none of this would bother us here would care who buys up all the shitty breweries in Europe. If
he drags their standards down to a Continental version of Milwaukee's Best, really, who gives a fuck?
Well, you better. Because now this Brazilian ass-monkey has set his sights on one of the very few
remaining bastions of American identity. That's right, this shit-cake, who by rights should be wearing a
gas-powered leaf blower in your front yard, is poising his company to take over Anheuser-Busch.
Budweiser, for Chrissakes! Michelob! Auggie, where the fuck are you, you drunken bastard? Avoid the
ignominy of making these pages by fighting off this spawn of the Amazon. They're the French of South
America, for the love of God. And it's a Belgian company! Sure, the Belgians have a history of good beers,
but fuckin' hell, this is BUD we're talking about, the King of Beers. And InBev? They've made Bass taste
like coffee-piss, and Stella like sucking a skunk's ass! Don't do this to us, you greedy fuck.
But if this $46 billion deal goes down, trust us, it's Miller Time.
So have a nice day, Carlos. My unkempt lawn but for the grace of God go thou.
corporation InBev. InBev is a European mega-brewer of beer, now responsible for bringing you inferior
products like Stella Artois, Beck's, and formerly one of our personal favorites, Bass Ale, all vague shadows
of their former tasty, high-end selves, but at the same premium price, but without all that troublesome
quality. And ingredients.
Normally, none of this would bother us here would care who buys up all the shitty breweries in Europe. If
he drags their standards down to a Continental version of Milwaukee's Best, really, who gives a fuck?
Well, you better. Because now this Brazilian ass-monkey has set his sights on one of the very few
remaining bastions of American identity. That's right, this shit-cake, who by rights should be wearing a
gas-powered leaf blower in your front yard, is poising his company to take over Anheuser-Busch.
Budweiser, for Chrissakes! Michelob! Auggie, where the fuck are you, you drunken bastard? Avoid the
ignominy of making these pages by fighting off this spawn of the Amazon. They're the French of South
America, for the love of God. And it's a Belgian company! Sure, the Belgians have a history of good beers,
but fuckin' hell, this is BUD we're talking about, the King of Beers. And InBev? They've made Bass taste
like coffee-piss, and Stella like sucking a skunk's ass! Don't do this to us, you greedy fuck.
But if this $46 billion deal goes down, trust us, it's Miller Time.
So have a nice day, Carlos. My unkempt lawn but for the grace of God go thou.
| King Abdullah July 1, 2008 |
| So that's what happened to my grandma's panties. |
Recognize this sumbitch? You should. Every time you pump a gallon of gas, trust us, he pumps you right
back. He is none other than King Abdullah Bin-Abd-al-Aziz Al Saud. "Abby" for short. King of Saudi
Arabia.
Sitting atop one of the planet's richest reserves of oil, with more money in the bank than God himself, this
smug bastard sits back and reaps obscene profits while we toil and slave away as gas prices keep us
from being able to take a half-decent vacation. While we fill his coffers, Ol' Spinach Chin over there bathes
naked in pools filled with gold coins and Indian hookers.
Just yesterday, King Ain't-Fuck'n-Ibn-Ayrab made the following statement: "Consumer countries have to
adapt to the prices and the mechanisms of the market."
Allow us to paraphrase: "When you get fucked, take it and like it."
back. He is none other than King Abdullah Bin-Abd-al-Aziz Al Saud. "Abby" for short. King of Saudi
Arabia.
Sitting atop one of the planet's richest reserves of oil, with more money in the bank than God himself, this
smug bastard sits back and reaps obscene profits while we toil and slave away as gas prices keep us
from being able to take a half-decent vacation. While we fill his coffers, Ol' Spinach Chin over there bathes
naked in pools filled with gold coins and Indian hookers.
Just yesterday, King Ain't-Fuck'n-Ibn-Ayrab made the following statement: "Consumer countries have to
adapt to the prices and the mechanisms of the market."
Allow us to paraphrase: "When you get fucked, take it and like it."
| Circle Jerk in the Sand |
Even though you have glutted fat from America's largesse and have been able to stockpile some of the
finest American-made air superiority fighters in the world, and even though you got all that shit at Dollar
Store prices, you still have the 84-year-old balls to bend us over like a stripper at a frat house.
So this week, Hassan bin Sober, our imaginary hats are off to you, you bloated douchebag despot. Dinner's
hangin', fucker. Come over here and suck the sweet light crude right out of the end of it. Sumbitch.
finest American-made air superiority fighters in the world, and even though you got all that shit at Dollar
Store prices, you still have the 84-year-old balls to bend us over like a stripper at a frat house.
So this week, Hassan bin Sober, our imaginary hats are off to you, you bloated douchebag despot. Dinner's
hangin', fucker. Come over here and suck the sweet light crude right out of the end of it. Sumbitch.
| Neil Entwistle June 25, 2008 |
Heard of this sumbitch? This total piece of yesterday in Massachusetts of murdering his wife and nine-month
old baby while they slept. I say "jury of his peers," but the fact is, this motherfucker could only find "peers" at
the City Dump among the blowflies, rats, and other lower forms of life dwelling there. He may be able to find
"peers" up the asshole of a dead horse that has been lying in the sun for a month. But certainly not among
other human beings.
This fine specimen of British citizenship not only murdered his wife and infant, he did not even attend their
funeral. What did this leaky bag of cat jism do? That's right, he fled back to Mother England to try and ride it
out, hoping for extradition problems that luckily never arose.
And what was this douchebag's alleged motive for this unforgivable crime: He wasn't doing well financially,
and he was dissatisfied with his sex life. Say what? Welcome to the world, motherfucker! Nobody is doing well
financially right now, and nobody ever gets as much pussy, or in the right position, or from the right person,
as we want! It's called being a fucking guy in America, you shitheel!
So this week, we salute you, Neil Entwistle. Asshole, fucking scumbag, babykiller and all 'round sumbitch.
Fuck you. Rot in hell.
Copyright 2008, 2009
old baby while they slept. I say "jury of his peers," but the fact is, this motherfucker could only find "peers" at
the City Dump among the blowflies, rats, and other lower forms of life dwelling there. He may be able to find
"peers" up the asshole of a dead horse that has been lying in the sun for a month. But certainly not among
other human beings.
This fine specimen of British citizenship not only murdered his wife and infant, he did not even attend their
funeral. What did this leaky bag of cat jism do? That's right, he fled back to Mother England to try and ride it
out, hoping for extradition problems that luckily never arose.
And what was this douchebag's alleged motive for this unforgivable crime: He wasn't doing well financially,
and he was dissatisfied with his sex life. Say what? Welcome to the world, motherfucker! Nobody is doing well
financially right now, and nobody ever gets as much pussy, or in the right position, or from the right person,
as we want! It's called being a fucking guy in America, you shitheel!
So this week, we salute you, Neil Entwistle. Asshole, fucking scumbag, babykiller and all 'round sumbitch.
Fuck you. Rot in hell.
Copyright 2008, 2009
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Dateline Swaziland. Ever hear of this place? Probably not, and that's understandable. It's a pestilent,
landlocked little shithole near the bottom of the African deaths and infections on planet Earth, and where the
average life expectancy has gone from somewhere upwards of your early 60's in the salad days down to
about 31 or so now, depending on which UN report you believe. And it's ruled by this goofy half-a-tard,
King Mswati III. What a wonder of nature this one is. Africa's last remaining absolute monarch. The King of
Death.
King Mswati III just celebrated his 40th birthday today with an incredibly elaborate ceremony replete with
thousands of dancers, a military parade, and a spectacular pageant of his 13 wives. That's right, 13 wives.
In a place where getting laid usually means a death sentence, this blowhole trotted out his 13 clean and
HIV-negative wives (he has them all tested regularly off-shore, and this in a country where practically no one
even knows there is a test for AIDS) for everyone to admire and adore. Charming. In a country where 70%
of the population lives below the poverty line and the HIV rate is almost 40%, tens of thousands showed up
to practically worship this fucking idiot and watch him blow upwards of $10 million dollars on his birthday
party.
And not only that, he insisted that his harem first fly out of the country and go on a shopping spree to Dubai,
where they could fancy themselves up for his big 4-0. And here you thought it was tough turning 40 in this
country.
And the main guest of honor at the King's soiree was none other than Robert Mugabe (see below), perennial
President of Zimbabwe, who was riotously applauded at the ceremony for his independence and his
anti-West platform. Not to mention the fact that the old bastard hasn't died of AIDS yet himself.
So way to go, King Pussyman. You're an inspiration for all of our male Special Olympians here in the States.
You prove that even a Weird Harold piece of shit like yourself can be a king, as long as you're born to it.
Just like the Kennedy's. You lousy, selfish sumbitch.
landlocked little shithole near the bottom of the African deaths and infections on planet Earth, and where the
average life expectancy has gone from somewhere upwards of your early 60's in the salad days down to
about 31 or so now, depending on which UN report you believe. And it's ruled by this goofy half-a-tard,
King Mswati III. What a wonder of nature this one is. Africa's last remaining absolute monarch. The King of
Death.
King Mswati III just celebrated his 40th birthday today with an incredibly elaborate ceremony replete with
thousands of dancers, a military parade, and a spectacular pageant of his 13 wives. That's right, 13 wives.
In a place where getting laid usually means a death sentence, this blowhole trotted out his 13 clean and
HIV-negative wives (he has them all tested regularly off-shore, and this in a country where practically no one
even knows there is a test for AIDS) for everyone to admire and adore. Charming. In a country where 70%
of the population lives below the poverty line and the HIV rate is almost 40%, tens of thousands showed up
to practically worship this fucking idiot and watch him blow upwards of $10 million dollars on his birthday
party.
And not only that, he insisted that his harem first fly out of the country and go on a shopping spree to Dubai,
where they could fancy themselves up for his big 4-0. And here you thought it was tough turning 40 in this
country.
And the main guest of honor at the King's soiree was none other than Robert Mugabe (see below), perennial
President of Zimbabwe, who was riotously applauded at the ceremony for his independence and his
anti-West platform. Not to mention the fact that the old bastard hasn't died of AIDS yet himself.
So way to go, King Pussyman. You're an inspiration for all of our male Special Olympians here in the States.
You prove that even a Weird Harold piece of shit like yourself can be a king, as long as you're born to it.
Just like the Kennedy's. You lousy, selfish sumbitch.
| King Mswati III September 6, 2008 |
| It's good to be the king |
| Meryl Chertoff September 19, 2008 |
To a child, the world is a big, frightening place with very few refuges that are completely safe, but one
place where we could spend an hour with characters as familiar and harmless as family members was
Sesame Street. We knew these wonderful creatures would never let any harm come to us, would never
scare us, and would never say anything that would upset us, or get our little minds to thinking
worrisome or troublesome thoughts. Well, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, you can kiss
all that shit goodbye, because the Federal government's scariest and most powerful branch has now
appropriated our beloved Muppets for their own sinister ends.
That's right, the Department of Homeland Security, America's own Gestapo, has coerced these lovable,
furry things into joining their crusade against our civil liberties, possibly altering the way we learn the
alphabet along the way. And the person tapped to head up this insidious operation is (note the last
name up there)...Meryl Chertoff, wife of Michael Chertoff, the current Secretary of Homeland Security.
"This column is brought to you by the letter 'N' for nepotism."
According to a Department of Homeland Security press release (September 17, 2008), the "Let's Get
Ready!" program is ostensibly designed to help children understand that, "Emergencies can happen at
any time..." and that they and their parents must be ready for all sorts of terrifying shit like natural
disasters, civil unrest, chemical attacks, biological agent release, and on and on and on. Well that's just
fuckin' great.
place where we could spend an hour with characters as familiar and harmless as family members was
Sesame Street. We knew these wonderful creatures would never let any harm come to us, would never
scare us, and would never say anything that would upset us, or get our little minds to thinking
worrisome or troublesome thoughts. Well, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, you can kiss
all that shit goodbye, because the Federal government's scariest and most powerful branch has now
appropriated our beloved Muppets for their own sinister ends.
That's right, the Department of Homeland Security, America's own Gestapo, has coerced these lovable,
furry things into joining their crusade against our civil liberties, possibly altering the way we learn the
alphabet along the way. And the person tapped to head up this insidious operation is (note the last
name up there)...Meryl Chertoff, wife of Michael Chertoff, the current Secretary of Homeland Security.
"This column is brought to you by the letter 'N' for nepotism."
According to a Department of Homeland Security press release (September 17, 2008), the "Let's Get
Ready!" program is ostensibly designed to help children understand that, "Emergencies can happen at
any time..." and that they and their parents must be ready for all sorts of terrifying shit like natural
disasters, civil unrest, chemical attacks, biological agent release, and on and on and on. Well that's just
fuckin' great.
| She's the one on the right |
| Dirty Bomb Me Elmo |
At a time in our history when it is tough enough to shield our children from the horrors and violence of
our grown-up world, these heartless, goose-stepping, luggage-destroying bastards have stolen our
children's last safe place. And who better to be the public face of this travesty than the wife of the guy
who advised the CIA on their use of torture, and sat on his bony ass while Katrina turned Louisiana into
Bangladesh?
And which of our favorite Muppets did they choose to be the hairy spokesman for this bag of angst?
Grover. Grover will be the go-to guy for "Let's Get Ready!" Grover, whom every child in this country
knows is a complete fuck-up. Sure, we love him, but we also know he could ruin a wet dream. How the
hell is this adorable moron supposed to promote calm preparedness when we know it can only end
badly?
So thanks a lot, Meryl. Even though you're just a vapid broad who happens to be married to Satan, and
have no real input in this debacle, kiss our collective ass for this one. You chose to back this evil bullshit,
and for that, you sumbitch, you get the giant blue hairy middle finger.
our grown-up world, these heartless, goose-stepping, luggage-destroying bastards have stolen our
children's last safe place. And who better to be the public face of this travesty than the wife of the guy
who advised the CIA on their use of torture, and sat on his bony ass while Katrina turned Louisiana into
Bangladesh?
And which of our favorite Muppets did they choose to be the hairy spokesman for this bag of angst?
Grover. Grover will be the go-to guy for "Let's Get Ready!" Grover, whom every child in this country
knows is a complete fuck-up. Sure, we love him, but we also know he could ruin a wet dream. How the
hell is this adorable moron supposed to promote calm preparedness when we know it can only end
badly?
So thanks a lot, Meryl. Even though you're just a vapid broad who happens to be married to Satan, and
have no real input in this debacle, kiss our collective ass for this one. You chose to back this evil bullshit,
and for that, you sumbitch, you get the giant blue hairy middle finger.
| CNN January 31, 2009 |
| Fair and balanced? |
This week, we've chosen an entire cable network to wear the shameful mantle of Sumbitch of the Week.
And these fuckers have had it coming for years now.
A little background first:
When Sweaty Teddy Turner threw the switch on his Cable News Network back in 1980, it was a
gamble. Could an all-news network actually make it on the air? Would anybody actually watch this
shit? And pretty quickly, the answer came as a resounding YES. CNN established itself as pretty much
the final word in televised news integrity, with real journalistic values, solid trustworthy anchors, and
an overall air of credibility lost long ago by network newswhores beholden to every political party or
special interest you can think of. And with guys like Bernard Shaw, the public just knew that it was
getting the facts, real news, and not some load of spinning bullshit. We believed in CNN. They had us
at, "Good morning."
Over the years, as the country became more polarized, politically and ideologically, special interests
launched their own shamelessly spun networks. Fox and half of MSNBC's programming started
spewing their...unique...take on major news stories, setting themselves squarely in the corner of the
neo-cons and the Republican Party in general. Their items were so loaded, so unabashedly slanted,
that only the faithful could watch that shit for more than five minutes without laughing. So much for
neutral, unbiased reporting. It flew out the window on tattered, shit-stained wings, never to return.
So how does CNN react to all this? They go the opposite direction; they aimed to the left of Che and
never looked back. From the stories they selected to air, to the personalities they decided to focus on
(positive and negative), CNN became Liberal America's voice and champion. In almost the batting of
one of Anderson Cooper's eyelashes, the network that we once looked to for the truth had become one
giant fucking special interest machine, no better than the nutjobs over at Fox.
And to further erode their already squandered credentials, they've now employed such stellar
newspersons as the eternally unfunny D. L. Hughley, the ever-opportunistic suckass Fareed Zakaria,
and Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who is so compromised by pharmaceutical company money that he couldn't
even win a televised pissing contest with fucking Michael Moore.
During the most recent presidential election, it made me cringe when I sat down to watch a debate, or
listen to commentary by the anchors and so-called "experts." Not because I disagreed with them, or
didn't feel an evil glee at seeing McCain get ripped a new asshole. It was because I felt that something
had been broken, lost.
I absloutely believe that there needs to be something to off-set assholes like Rush Limbaugh. And
moderate-to-liberal Americans deserve to have a say, and outlets for their positions. And they do, with
sites like MoveOn.org, among others. It's just a goddamn shame that CNN evolved into a partisan
broken record, and can no longer be trusted in what it reports, or even the facts they allege. It's all
gone up the chute.
Most of all I feel sorry for James Earl Jones: Now he's been the voice for two sumbitches.
And these fuckers have had it coming for years now.
A little background first:
When Sweaty Teddy Turner threw the switch on his Cable News Network back in 1980, it was a
gamble. Could an all-news network actually make it on the air? Would anybody actually watch this
shit? And pretty quickly, the answer came as a resounding YES. CNN established itself as pretty much
the final word in televised news integrity, with real journalistic values, solid trustworthy anchors, and
an overall air of credibility lost long ago by network newswhores beholden to every political party or
special interest you can think of. And with guys like Bernard Shaw, the public just knew that it was
getting the facts, real news, and not some load of spinning bullshit. We believed in CNN. They had us
at, "Good morning."
Over the years, as the country became more polarized, politically and ideologically, special interests
launched their own shamelessly spun networks. Fox and half of MSNBC's programming started
spewing their...unique...take on major news stories, setting themselves squarely in the corner of the
neo-cons and the Republican Party in general. Their items were so loaded, so unabashedly slanted,
that only the faithful could watch that shit for more than five minutes without laughing. So much for
neutral, unbiased reporting. It flew out the window on tattered, shit-stained wings, never to return.
So how does CNN react to all this? They go the opposite direction; they aimed to the left of Che and
never looked back. From the stories they selected to air, to the personalities they decided to focus on
(positive and negative), CNN became Liberal America's voice and champion. In almost the batting of
one of Anderson Cooper's eyelashes, the network that we once looked to for the truth had become one
giant fucking special interest machine, no better than the nutjobs over at Fox.
And to further erode their already squandered credentials, they've now employed such stellar
newspersons as the eternally unfunny D. L. Hughley, the ever-opportunistic suckass Fareed Zakaria,
and Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who is so compromised by pharmaceutical company money that he couldn't
even win a televised pissing contest with fucking Michael Moore.
During the most recent presidential election, it made me cringe when I sat down to watch a debate, or
listen to commentary by the anchors and so-called "experts." Not because I disagreed with them, or
didn't feel an evil glee at seeing McCain get ripped a new asshole. It was because I felt that something
had been broken, lost.
I absloutely believe that there needs to be something to off-set assholes like Rush Limbaugh. And
moderate-to-liberal Americans deserve to have a say, and outlets for their positions. And they do, with
sites like MoveOn.org, among others. It's just a goddamn shame that CNN evolved into a partisan
broken record, and can no longer be trusted in what it reports, or even the facts they allege. It's all
gone up the chute.
Most of all I feel sorry for James Earl Jones: Now he's been the voice for two sumbitches.
| Bobby Jindal August 7, 2009 |
Do you realize that when you Google the word “Bobby,” the very first item on the search list is Bobby
Jindal? Of all the Bobby’s over the millennia, from Bobby Burns to Bobby Kennedy, from bobby socks
to bobby pins, from Bobby Darin to Bobby Abreu, the very first fucking hit is Bobby Jindal. And why?
We’ll never know, ‘cause Google ain’t talkin’. Draw your own conclusions.
And, “Who the fuck is ‘Bobby’ Jindal?” you’re probably asking yourself. And with good reason, unless
you’re one of those cock-scratching, mouth-breathing Southern Republicans who long for the days
when their ranks included such visionaries as George Wallace and Jesse Helms. This sumbitch is a
piece of work that Darwin could never have predicted, one of those five-legged calves or two-faced
kittens you hear about in the “legitimate” news on slow days. A wildly conservative, opportunistic, self-
serving, soulless bastard of galactic dimensions, Sri Jindal has somehow managed to claw his way up
the (albeit short) Republican ladder from member of the House of Representatives to governor of
Louisiana (Louisiana, forchrissakes) and is now almost set to take the reins of the whole damn
Republican party as their presidential candidate in 2012. Holy goddamned shit. But there’s still hope as
long as you good people out there are paying attention. Which nobody seems to be.
For starters, this asshole’s name is not ‘Bobby.’ Or even ‘Robert.’ He’s a first-generation
Indian/American. Both parents are from India. And get this, the douche’s real first name is “Piyush.” To
our knowledge, ‘Bobby’ is not the cute diminutive of ‘PIYUSH.’ Think about this for a second. What
should we be calling him (other than “dickhead”). ‘Pie’? ‘Push’? ‘Puss’? The mind boggles. His did
too, because he took his adopted American name from a character on an American TV series he
watched all the time, Bobby Brady from The Brady Bunch. He could have just as easily ended up as
Sergeant Schultz Jindal, or Willis Jindal, or even Blair Jindal. But he settled on ‘Bobby,’ as in Mike
Lookinland, convicted drunk driver and all-around has-been idiot.
Jindal? Of all the Bobby’s over the millennia, from Bobby Burns to Bobby Kennedy, from bobby socks
to bobby pins, from Bobby Darin to Bobby Abreu, the very first fucking hit is Bobby Jindal. And why?
We’ll never know, ‘cause Google ain’t talkin’. Draw your own conclusions.
And, “Who the fuck is ‘Bobby’ Jindal?” you’re probably asking yourself. And with good reason, unless
you’re one of those cock-scratching, mouth-breathing Southern Republicans who long for the days
when their ranks included such visionaries as George Wallace and Jesse Helms. This sumbitch is a
piece of work that Darwin could never have predicted, one of those five-legged calves or two-faced
kittens you hear about in the “legitimate” news on slow days. A wildly conservative, opportunistic, self-
serving, soulless bastard of galactic dimensions, Sri Jindal has somehow managed to claw his way up
the (albeit short) Republican ladder from member of the House of Representatives to governor of
Louisiana (Louisiana, forchrissakes) and is now almost set to take the reins of the whole damn
Republican party as their presidential candidate in 2012. Holy goddamned shit. But there’s still hope as
long as you good people out there are paying attention. Which nobody seems to be.
For starters, this asshole’s name is not ‘Bobby.’ Or even ‘Robert.’ He’s a first-generation
Indian/American. Both parents are from India. And get this, the douche’s real first name is “Piyush.” To
our knowledge, ‘Bobby’ is not the cute diminutive of ‘PIYUSH.’ Think about this for a second. What
should we be calling him (other than “dickhead”). ‘Pie’? ‘Push’? ‘Puss’? The mind boggles. His did
too, because he took his adopted American name from a character on an American TV series he
watched all the time, Bobby Brady from The Brady Bunch. He could have just as easily ended up as
Sergeant Schultz Jindal, or Willis Jindal, or even Blair Jindal. But he settled on ‘Bobby,’ as in Mike
Lookinland, convicted drunk driver and all-around has-been idiot.
| Lookinland: Role Model |
With the ignominious demise of Trent Lott, and the near-irrelevancy of Newt Gingritch, the party that
never forgets is desperate for someone who can combine Sarah Palin’s populist appeal with the illusion
of possessing a penis. Enter this pencil-necked scumbag who is even less of a real American than
Barack Obama. Dick Armey, indeed.
never forgets is desperate for someone who can combine Sarah Palin’s populist appeal with the illusion
of possessing a penis. Enter this pencil-necked scumbag who is even less of a real American than
Barack Obama. Dick Armey, indeed.
| "Paging David Brenner..." |
| Abdelhakim Belhadj September 21, 2011 |
It's no less than a time-honored and always-lamented tradition here in the United States for our
government to pick out some hapless bastard in some sweltering shithole of a nation, prop him up, give
him and his buddies a shitload of guns, and buy into every line of bullshit he feeds us about democracy,
friendship, human rights, the future, ad nauseum. Then once the cocksucker is firmly in power, he turns
on us faster than a king cobra and bites the shit out of the cordite-reeking hand that fed him. So it goes,
and here it goes again with this particular sumbitch, Abdelhakim Belhadj, the leader of Libya's
newly-coined provisional government.
Monsieur Belhadj is a native Libyan who grew up with two things on his Koran-addled mind: Overthrow
Muammar Gaddafi; and (perhaps more importantly for us), spread Islamic jihad. Coming of age in the
early '80's, Belhadj was a founding member of the Libyan Islamic Fighting Group (officially labeled a
terrorist group by the US and the UK), whose greatest ambition was to overthrow asshole Gaddafi and,
you guessed it, establish a fundamentalist theocracy in Libya. Muammar threw several thousand troops
at the group, and by 1998 they were squashed. The ones who didn't make it out were killed, and/or
imprisoned, and then killed. One who did escape was Belhadj, who made his way to Afghanistan. There,
he met and joined forces with (again, you guessed it) Osama bin Laden.
After this crash course in all things Taliban, Belhadj returned to Libya, more determined than ever to get
his very own Allah-centric country up and running, but this time he wasn't so lucky. Once the US went
into Afghanistan after 9/11, an arrest warrant had been issued for his ass, and the CIA (please remember
this fact) finally tracked him down and returned him to Libya.
Once back home, Belhadj was chucked into Abu Salim prison, where Gaddafi's henchmen pretty much
tortured and beat the living shit out of him every day for seven years. He was finally released in 2010, only
to turn around and start it all over again. Surprise, surprise.
And now this is the fucking guy the civilized world is looking to bring peace, freedom, tolerance, justice,
and all that good shit to Libya. I say, Good luck with that, you dumb sumbitches.
government to pick out some hapless bastard in some sweltering shithole of a nation, prop him up, give
him and his buddies a shitload of guns, and buy into every line of bullshit he feeds us about democracy,
friendship, human rights, the future, ad nauseum. Then once the cocksucker is firmly in power, he turns
on us faster than a king cobra and bites the shit out of the cordite-reeking hand that fed him. So it goes,
and here it goes again with this particular sumbitch, Abdelhakim Belhadj, the leader of Libya's
newly-coined provisional government.
Monsieur Belhadj is a native Libyan who grew up with two things on his Koran-addled mind: Overthrow
Muammar Gaddafi; and (perhaps more importantly for us), spread Islamic jihad. Coming of age in the
early '80's, Belhadj was a founding member of the Libyan Islamic Fighting Group (officially labeled a
terrorist group by the US and the UK), whose greatest ambition was to overthrow asshole Gaddafi and,
you guessed it, establish a fundamentalist theocracy in Libya. Muammar threw several thousand troops
at the group, and by 1998 they were squashed. The ones who didn't make it out were killed, and/or
imprisoned, and then killed. One who did escape was Belhadj, who made his way to Afghanistan. There,
he met and joined forces with (again, you guessed it) Osama bin Laden.
After this crash course in all things Taliban, Belhadj returned to Libya, more determined than ever to get
his very own Allah-centric country up and running, but this time he wasn't so lucky. Once the US went
into Afghanistan after 9/11, an arrest warrant had been issued for his ass, and the CIA (please remember
this fact) finally tracked him down and returned him to Libya.
Once back home, Belhadj was chucked into Abu Salim prison, where Gaddafi's henchmen pretty much
tortured and beat the living shit out of him every day for seven years. He was finally released in 2010, only
to turn around and start it all over again. Surprise, surprise.
And now this is the fucking guy the civilized world is looking to bring peace, freedom, tolerance, justice,
and all that good shit to Libya. I say, Good luck with that, you dumb sumbitches.
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