| The World Wide Rag |
| Preemptive Strike: Sight Unseen Movie Reviews |
The revered film critic Pauline Kael famously claimed that she never watched any movie more than
once. In our never-ending efforts to one-up everyone in history, we, The Rag’s film critics, will now
review movies without ever watching them at all.
We feel qualified to perform this public service after decades of being ripped off by inferior
Hollywood product. From now on, we’re going to save ourselves — and our readers — the time
and the money of watching every piece of poop that drips out of the feature film pipeline. If
nothing else, it’ll make us feel better.
You may well ask, “How can you in good conscience judge something you’ve never even seen?”
Trust us. We can do it.
once. In our never-ending efforts to one-up everyone in history, we, The Rag’s film critics, will now
review movies without ever watching them at all.
We feel qualified to perform this public service after decades of being ripped off by inferior
Hollywood product. From now on, we’re going to save ourselves — and our readers — the time
and the money of watching every piece of poop that drips out of the feature film pipeline. If
nothing else, it’ll make us feel better.
You may well ask, “How can you in good conscience judge something you’ve never even seen?”
Trust us. We can do it.
Guinea pigs? Motherfucking guinea pigs?
After G-Force beat out the latest Harry Potter movie in its second week at the box office, we
can now be sure that the multiplexes will soon be invaded by talking cats, talking birds,
talking rats, talking cockroaches, talking turds .... If we're very lucky, talking people might still
be featured in an occasional movie or two. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, what hath thou wrought?
Jerry Bruckheimer must be very, very proud of this sweet baby.
Rating: 1/2 a star. (Motherfucking guinea pigs?)
— B.S. Garp
Posted Aug. 13, 2009
After G-Force beat out the latest Harry Potter movie in its second week at the box office, we
can now be sure that the multiplexes will soon be invaded by talking cats, talking birds,
talking rats, talking cockroaches, talking turds .... If we're very lucky, talking people might still
be featured in an occasional movie or two. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, what hath thou wrought?
Jerry Bruckheimer must be very, very proud of this sweet baby.
Rating: 1/2 a star. (Motherfucking guinea pigs?)
— B.S. Garp
Posted Aug. 13, 2009
| The Time Traveler's Wife / G-Force G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra |
Here's a horror movie about a grown man who stalks a little girl, biding his time until she's old
enough to become his bride. Oh, wait ... the studio says The Time Traveler's Wife is a romantic
fantasy. Really? The synopsis makes it sound like the kind of "movie" you could be arrested for
downloading on the Internet.
Every woman I know wants to see this film; they've all swooned over the commercials, which
show the brooding Eric Banal showing up at various points during Rachel McAdams' life,
including her childhood. Why is it this aspect of the commercials makes women weak at the
knees when it creeps men way the hell out?
enough to become his bride. Oh, wait ... the studio says The Time Traveler's Wife is a romantic
fantasy. Really? The synopsis makes it sound like the kind of "movie" you could be arrested for
downloading on the Internet.
Every woman I know wants to see this film; they've all swooned over the commercials, which
show the brooding Eric Banal showing up at various points during Rachel McAdams' life,
including her childhood. Why is it this aspect of the commercials makes women weak at the
knees when it creeps men way the hell out?
| "Do you have a younger sister?" |
I'm not sure what psycho-sexual forces are at work here, but let's just say that American women
may have some Daddy issues.
This also seems like a pretty masochistic female fantasy. Based on the trailer, time-traveling Eric
disappears on Rachel in the bedroom on their wedding night. I'm not sure if he jumps into a rift
in the time/space continuum, or just has too much to drink at the reception. One thing you can
be sure of: I'll never watch the movie to find out.
Rating: 1 1/2 stars (This is based on a critically praised novel, so it can't be as sleazy as the
marketing makes it seem. Still, this doesn't look like a movie any straight man would go see
unless it's part of a deal with his significant other: "OK, we'll go see Eric and Rachel this
weekend, and the new Tarantino next weekend.")
may have some Daddy issues.
This also seems like a pretty masochistic female fantasy. Based on the trailer, time-traveling Eric
disappears on Rachel in the bedroom on their wedding night. I'm not sure if he jumps into a rift
in the time/space continuum, or just has too much to drink at the reception. One thing you can
be sure of: I'll never watch the movie to find out.
Rating: 1 1/2 stars (This is based on a critically praised novel, so it can't be as sleazy as the
marketing makes it seem. Still, this doesn't look like a movie any straight man would go see
unless it's part of a deal with his significant other: "OK, we'll go see Eric and Rachel this
weekend, and the new Tarantino next weekend.")
| Fighting terrorism makes him all pouty |
I admit it: I'm not part of the target audience for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I was too old to
watch the animated series in the 1980s; my G.I. Joe memories involve the foot-tall version of
the action figure, the one that featured the removable fatigues, the Velcro-like Afro and beard
and the Kung Fu grip. I frankly have no idea who the good guys or the bad guys are in the
G.I. Joe universe of the 1980s.
I point this out so it's understood that I have no ax to grind regarding how closely the new
movie adheres to the old cartoon. My thoughts on the marketing for this film revolve around
one issue: why do the stunts and special effects look so fucking fake?
I know, I know, it's all done digitally. How could I not know? Who could possibly be
convinced that the car crashes and explosions in the trailer are real? Even shots of stunt
guys doing somersaults and barrel rolls after the explosions are obviously digitized: no
human being moves that way.
How fucking hard can it be to find a stunt guy who can do a somersault, for Christ's sake?
What's next? Using CG to show people walking down the street, drinking from a glass,
picking up a phone? Why not just make it a fucking cartoon and be done with it? Casting
Channing Tatum was certainly a step in that direction.
Rating: 1 star (Little kids will go "ooh" and "aah" at all the noise and bright lights. Children of
the 80s will fondly remember the crap they watched and played with when they were still
innocent. And the rest of us will stay far, far away from this.)
watch the animated series in the 1980s; my G.I. Joe memories involve the foot-tall version of
the action figure, the one that featured the removable fatigues, the Velcro-like Afro and beard
and the Kung Fu grip. I frankly have no idea who the good guys or the bad guys are in the
G.I. Joe universe of the 1980s.
I point this out so it's understood that I have no ax to grind regarding how closely the new
movie adheres to the old cartoon. My thoughts on the marketing for this film revolve around
one issue: why do the stunts and special effects look so fucking fake?
I know, I know, it's all done digitally. How could I not know? Who could possibly be
convinced that the car crashes and explosions in the trailer are real? Even shots of stunt
guys doing somersaults and barrel rolls after the explosions are obviously digitized: no
human being moves that way.
How fucking hard can it be to find a stunt guy who can do a somersault, for Christ's sake?
What's next? Using CG to show people walking down the street, drinking from a glass,
picking up a phone? Why not just make it a fucking cartoon and be done with it? Casting
Channing Tatum was certainly a step in that direction.
Rating: 1 star (Little kids will go "ooh" and "aah" at all the noise and bright lights. Children of
the 80s will fondly remember the crap they watched and played with when they were still
innocent. And the rest of us will stay far, far away from this.)
| "Don't watch a guy when he's trying to get a nut!" |
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