The World Wide Rag
| GOSSIP GOMORRAH A-GO-GO |
________________________________________
Hello, you beautiful bitches out there! There is your boy
Dick Jiggles, running for my life through the dangerous
jungles of American Celubutainment! Can I get a disco
whoop-whoop?
Hello, you beautiful bitches out there! There is your boy
Dick Jiggles, running for my life through the dangerous
jungles of American Celubutainment! Can I get a disco
whoop-whoop?
| Jennifer Aniston |
Mayer and Aniston split; Jen needs a man
Well, I guess the reports of their impending marriage were
a wee bit premature. Girl-loving guitar-man John Mayer
and his elderly galpal Jennifer Aniston have called it
quits — but they just can’t agree on who did the dumping!
Jen’s friends say she dropped him for cheating; John-
John himself says it was his decision to call it off because
he didn’t want to lie to her, and diplomatically calls
Aniston “the smartest, most sophisticated person I think
I've ever met.” Yeah, she just wasn’t hot enough to stay
home for, right, John?
Well, I guess the reports of their impending marriage were
a wee bit premature. Girl-loving guitar-man John Mayer
and his elderly galpal Jennifer Aniston have called it
quits — but they just can’t agree on who did the dumping!
Jen’s friends say she dropped him for cheating; John-
John himself says it was his decision to call it off because
he didn’t want to lie to her, and diplomatically calls
Aniston “the smartest, most sophisticated person I think
I've ever met.” Yeah, she just wasn’t hot enough to stay
home for, right, John?
_________________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy
Dick Jiggles, peeking into all those hidden nooks,
cracks and crannies (sometimes twice) to bring you the
best in American Celebutainment! You know you want it!
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy
Dick Jiggles, peeking into all those hidden nooks,
cracks and crannies (sometimes twice) to bring you the
best in American Celebutainment! You know you want it!
| Lindsay Lohan |
| Samantha Ronson |
Father figure fight!
Our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is
back in the headlines again — but it’s not her doing the
talking, it’s her father, jailbird Michael Lohan, and her
“father figure,” alleged lesbian lover DJ Samantha
Ronson.
Michael says he’s “terribly concerned” about his freckled
freak of a daughter: "My daughter isn't working because
she's always with Sam,” Daddy Lohan, obviously looking
for a handout, whines. “Samantha drinks and passes the
drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes
it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter.”
Ha! As if this man who’s trying to get a reality cable show
— just like Lindsay’s untalented mom and sister have —
isn’t trying to use Lindsay. Don’t make me spit out my
Cosmo!
And Sam Ron had to put her two cents (just about what
her opinion is worth) in: “I'm not the one that is so lost
that I need to use my relationship with Lindsay to earn a
living,” the dyke-tastic DJ said in a blog response.
Puh-leeze, bitch! You don’t think Samantha’s asking price
to spin shitty old records has gone up since she’s been
with Lindsay, do you? She’s certainly not benefiting from
being the public squeeze of a world-famous fuckup, is
she? Huh?
Poor Lindsay. Who can you trust, girl? Maybe you and
Britney should move in together — at least neither of you
could pull anything on each other you haven’t seen
before. And what a ditzy, dynamically dysfunctional
household that would be! Go for it, Lalo! We’ll be behind
you all the way … with our cameras at the ready, of course.
Our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is
back in the headlines again — but it’s not her doing the
talking, it’s her father, jailbird Michael Lohan, and her
“father figure,” alleged lesbian lover DJ Samantha
Ronson.
Michael says he’s “terribly concerned” about his freckled
freak of a daughter: "My daughter isn't working because
she's always with Sam,” Daddy Lohan, obviously looking
for a handout, whines. “Samantha drinks and passes the
drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes
it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter.”
Ha! As if this man who’s trying to get a reality cable show
— just like Lindsay’s untalented mom and sister have —
isn’t trying to use Lindsay. Don’t make me spit out my
Cosmo!
And Sam Ron had to put her two cents (just about what
her opinion is worth) in: “I'm not the one that is so lost
that I need to use my relationship with Lindsay to earn a
living,” the dyke-tastic DJ said in a blog response.
Puh-leeze, bitch! You don’t think Samantha’s asking price
to spin shitty old records has gone up since she’s been
with Lindsay, do you? She’s certainly not benefiting from
being the public squeeze of a world-famous fuckup, is
she? Huh?
Poor Lindsay. Who can you trust, girl? Maybe you and
Britney should move in together — at least neither of you
could pull anything on each other you haven’t seen
before. And what a ditzy, dynamically dysfunctional
household that would be! Go for it, Lalo! We’ll be behind
you all the way … with our cameras at the ready, of course.
| Cher |
Poor old pussy
What in the name of sweet hell could possibly screw up
the sure-fire blockbuster sequel to The Dark Knight? Oh, I
don’t know — maybe having octagenarian Cher play
Catwoman?
Strangely enough, that’s exactly the crazy-ass rumor
that's floating around. Dark Knight director Christopher
Nolan reportedly listed Cher as his first choice to play
Catwoman, because he “wants to portray her like a vamp
in her twilight years."
I don’t know about the vamp part, but Cher definitely fits
the “twilight years” bill. So will this Catwoman be blind in
one eye and deaf, with part of her hair rubbed off and a
penchant for mewling loudly and farting uncontrollably?
Cher has an Oscar; she could pull that off.
But who in the name of Christ would want to watch it?
What in the name of sweet hell could possibly screw up
the sure-fire blockbuster sequel to The Dark Knight? Oh, I
don’t know — maybe having octagenarian Cher play
Catwoman?
Strangely enough, that’s exactly the crazy-ass rumor
that's floating around. Dark Knight director Christopher
Nolan reportedly listed Cher as his first choice to play
Catwoman, because he “wants to portray her like a vamp
in her twilight years."
I don’t know about the vamp part, but Cher definitely fits
the “twilight years” bill. So will this Catwoman be blind in
one eye and deaf, with part of her hair rubbed off and a
penchant for mewling loudly and farting uncontrollably?
Cher has an Oscar; she could pull that off.
But who in the name of Christ would want to watch it?
| Mackenzie Phillips |
Still ‘Kenzie after all these years
From the “She’s Still Alive?” department: one-time TV star
Mackenzie Phillips has been arrested on suspicion of
possessing a controlled substance after she allegedly was
found carrying drugs — as in heroin and cocaine — at Los
Angeles International Airport.
Frenzied Mackenzie is the daughter of legendary musician
and drug addict John Phillips, leader of the Mamas and
the Papas, and was exposed to drugs at a very early age.
Homegirl never had a chance, folks. She was using at an
age when Drew Barrymore was OD-ing on Flintstone
chewables.
During her star phase, Mackenzie lost her job on “One Day
at a Time” due to her drug problems, but after more than a
decade she cleaned up and became a spokesperson for
getting clean. Guess that job option is out the window
now, too.
Oh, well, Mindless Mackenzie will always have one feather
in her hat: thousands of American mothers in the last three
decades — even ones who never watched “One Day at a
Time” — have given their baby girls the decidedly unusual
first name “Mackenzie.” She’ll always be known for that.
Oh yeah, and for taking lots and lots of drugs.
From the “She’s Still Alive?” department: one-time TV star
Mackenzie Phillips has been arrested on suspicion of
possessing a controlled substance after she allegedly was
found carrying drugs — as in heroin and cocaine — at Los
Angeles International Airport.
Frenzied Mackenzie is the daughter of legendary musician
and drug addict John Phillips, leader of the Mamas and
the Papas, and was exposed to drugs at a very early age.
Homegirl never had a chance, folks. She was using at an
age when Drew Barrymore was OD-ing on Flintstone
chewables.
During her star phase, Mackenzie lost her job on “One Day
at a Time” due to her drug problems, but after more than a
decade she cleaned up and became a spokesperson for
getting clean. Guess that job option is out the window
now, too.
Oh, well, Mindless Mackenzie will always have one feather
in her hat: thousands of American mothers in the last three
decades — even ones who never watched “One Day at a
Time” — have given their baby girls the decidedly unusual
first name “Mackenzie.” She’ll always be known for that.
Oh yeah, and for taking lots and lots of drugs.
Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton
Un-united, and it feels so good
"Desperate Housewives" star Nicollette Sheridan, 63,
and her fiance, singer Michael Bolton, 71, announced
that they have officially split.
Is there anyone — ANYWHERE — that gives a shit?
If so, and you’re that person, please write the rest of this
item yourself. I just don’t have the strength. Life’s too
short, sugar.
"Desperate Housewives" star Nicollette Sheridan, 63,
and her fiance, singer Michael Bolton, 71, announced
that they have officially split.
Is there anyone — ANYWHERE — that gives a shit?
If so, and you’re that person, please write the rest of this
item yourself. I just don’t have the strength. Life’s too
short, sugar.
| David Duchovny |
I want to believe … and get laid a lot
X-Files lifer David Duchovny has entered a facility to
treat his sexual addiction. Wow, couldn’t he have been
locked up in there when they were set to shoot his bomb-
tastic comeback flick?
His wife of 10 years and mother of his children, the
eternally hot Tea Leoni, is apparently standing by his
side through all this. Strong, loyal woman. Foolish, weak
man.
Wouldn’t Scully kick Mulder’s ass for pulling some shit like
this? Gillian, get your steel-toes on. David needs some
tough love — as opposed to rough sex — for a change.
X-Files lifer David Duchovny has entered a facility to
treat his sexual addiction. Wow, couldn’t he have been
locked up in there when they were set to shoot his bomb-
tastic comeback flick?
His wife of 10 years and mother of his children, the
eternally hot Tea Leoni, is apparently standing by his
side through all this. Strong, loyal woman. Foolish, weak
man.
Wouldn’t Scully kick Mulder’s ass for pulling some shit like
this? Gillian, get your steel-toes on. David needs some
tough love — as opposed to rough sex — for a change.
| Michael Jackson |
50 is the new elephantiasis
Michael Jackson just turned 50. Wow, and people have
been bitching about Madonna having some bad plastic
surgery.
Don’t you think Jacko wishes he could just ask for a do-
over on his face? You know, start back from scratch? I bet
he’d settle for just looking like a human again.
Oh, well, what the hell, he’s still got the love of his family.
Oh, yeah, I forgot …
Michael Jackson just turned 50. Wow, and people have
been bitching about Madonna having some bad plastic
surgery.
Don’t you think Jacko wishes he could just ask for a do-
over on his face? You know, start back from scratch? I bet
he’d settle for just looking like a human again.
Oh, well, what the hell, he’s still got the love of his family.
Oh, yeah, I forgot …
| Tom Cruise |
At least he wasn’t dancing
in his BVDs this time …
How many of you caught Tom Cruise’s cameo in Tropic
Thunder? The movie ends with Tom, wearing a bald wig
and a fake gut, gyrating wildly to hip-hop as the credits
roll. Ben Stiller, who parodied Tom for years as an up-
and-coming comic actor, apparently felt he owed Crazy
Cruise a solid, and also thought people would laugh
themselves silly leaving the theaters. Wrong on the last
count. I heard more people laughing at the end of No
Country for Old Men.
Watching an insane, obscenely rich studio head dancing
around pretending to be a fictional insane, obscenely rich
studio head is chillingly fascinating at best — certainly not
gut-busting comedy. And the cocky, control-freak
authority Cruise displays in the dance just adds another
bizarre layer to his “what the fuck is wrong with this guy?”
mystique.
But who’s the real dude behind the dude playing the dude
pretending to be another dude? Stiller doesn’t seem to
know, or is scared to say. And Cruise still isn’t telling.
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008
in his BVDs this time …
How many of you caught Tom Cruise’s cameo in Tropic
Thunder? The movie ends with Tom, wearing a bald wig
and a fake gut, gyrating wildly to hip-hop as the credits
roll. Ben Stiller, who parodied Tom for years as an up-
and-coming comic actor, apparently felt he owed Crazy
Cruise a solid, and also thought people would laugh
themselves silly leaving the theaters. Wrong on the last
count. I heard more people laughing at the end of No
Country for Old Men.
Watching an insane, obscenely rich studio head dancing
around pretending to be a fictional insane, obscenely rich
studio head is chillingly fascinating at best — certainly not
gut-busting comedy. And the cocky, control-freak
authority Cruise displays in the dance just adds another
bizarre layer to his “what the fuck is wrong with this guy?”
mystique.
But who’s the real dude behind the dude playing the dude
pretending to be another dude? Stiller doesn’t seem to
know, or is scared to say. And Cruise still isn’t telling.
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008
| John Mayer |
she’s not smarting from the breakup that she’s had her
staff hard at work trying to drum up a new love interest for
her (you’re all aware this celebrity dating stuff is arranged
purely for publicity, right?).
Gee, if she’s so hard up for new celeb boy toys, here’s a
list of show biz guys she could call:
• Pete Doherty
• Verne Troyer
• Steve-0
• Carrot Top
• Gary Coleman
• Brad Pitt’s stunt double
• Spencer Pratt, or, of course, …
• Michael Jackson
Surely one of these guys would be willing to go out with
Aniston in front of the cameras. No takers? Really?
Jen, honey, you’re on your own …
staff hard at work trying to drum up a new love interest for
her (you’re all aware this celebrity dating stuff is arranged
purely for publicity, right?).
Gee, if she’s so hard up for new celeb boy toys, here’s a
list of show biz guys she could call:
• Pete Doherty
• Verne Troyer
• Steve-0
• Carrot Top
• Gary Coleman
• Brad Pitt’s stunt double
• Spencer Pratt, or, of course, …
• Michael Jackson
Surely one of these guys would be willing to go out with
Aniston in front of the cameras. No takers? Really?
Jen, honey, you’re on your own …
| Lindsay Lohan |
Lohan’s lesbian love triangle
It’s not enough that our favorite luscious little lunatic, with
her bosom buddy, DJ Samantha Ronson; lovely little
Lindsay has been outed as being at the center of lesbian
love triangle.
Courtenay Semel, the homely daughter of Yahoo! CEO
Terry Semel, was reportedly Lindsay’s first lady lover,
and battled with Ronson for the freckled freak’s attentions,
before losing out to the surly Samantha, the tabloids claim.
Shocking stuff! But we at The Rag have uncovered the
true identity of Lindsay’s very first lesbian lover, before
Samantha, before Courtenay. The lucky lady was …
Condoleezza Rice! Lindsay not only flouted gender
conventions, she also crossed racial boundaries!
It’s not enough that our favorite luscious little lunatic, with
her bosom buddy, DJ Samantha Ronson; lovely little
Lindsay has been outed as being at the center of lesbian
love triangle.
Courtenay Semel, the homely daughter of Yahoo! CEO
Terry Semel, was reportedly Lindsay’s first lady lover,
and battled with Ronson for the freckled freak’s attentions,
before losing out to the surly Samantha, the tabloids claim.
Shocking stuff! But we at The Rag have uncovered the
true identity of Lindsay’s very first lesbian lover, before
Samantha, before Courtenay. The lucky lady was …
Condoleezza Rice! Lindsay not only flouted gender
conventions, she also crossed racial boundaries!
| Condoleezza Rice |
“Condi was really hot for Lalo,” a White House insider tells
us. “But Lindsay kept sleeping with guys, so people
wouldn’t think she was gay, and acting all like she and
Condi were only friends. It happened again and again, and
finally Condi had enough and threw her out into the
Georgetown streets. Freckled little bitch.”
And now we know why Condi always looks so mean …
just like Samantha, now that we think of it!
us. “But Lindsay kept sleeping with guys, so people
wouldn’t think she was gay, and acting all like she and
Condi were only friends. It happened again and again, and
finally Condi had enough and threw her out into the
Georgetown streets. Freckled little bitch.”
And now we know why Condi always looks so mean …
just like Samantha, now that we think of it!
| Donald Trump |
Watch your ass, Ed
Who would’ve thought Donald Trump would do something
nice? But the pompadoured puffball has apparently
offered to buy pathetic Ed McMahon’s house to “save” it
for Big Ed!
Who would’ve thought Donald Trump would do something
nice? But the pompadoured puffball has apparently
offered to buy pathetic Ed McMahon’s house to “save” it
for Big Ed!
| Ed McMahon |
Ed is way behind on payments to the bank, but The
planning to lease the house to Ed and his family. But, hey,
Ed, check the fine print! Trump Daddy is known for his
shady deals. Watch out, or you’ll be hollering “Hey-
yoooooo!” from the gutter, Mr. McMahon!
planning to lease the house to Ed and his family. But, hey,
Ed, check the fine print! Trump Daddy is known for his
shady deals. Watch out, or you’ll be hollering “Hey-
yoooooo!” from the gutter, Mr. McMahon!
| Madonna |
Our absolute favorite person ever, Madonna, celebrated
her 50th birthday Saturday at a gala event in London.
I just want to say from the bottom of what passes for my
heart what an honor it is to have Madonna on The Rag this
week.
Of course, at 50, you’d think she wouldn’t be having her
cycle anymore. But maybe that’s just Our Holy Lady’s
special form of stigmata.
Aren’t I a vicious little bitch?
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Sunday, Aug. 17, 2008
________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful, bouncing bitches out there! This is
your boy Dick Jiggles, sorting out the wheat from the
chaff and the hard from the limp in that vast wasteland
known as American Celebutainment! Can I get a “Hell,
yes!”?
your boy Dick Jiggles, sorting out the wheat from the
chaff and the hard from the limp in that vast wasteland
known as American Celebutainment! Can I get a “Hell,
yes!”?
| Nikki Blonsky |
Caribbean Dustup
Holy shit! Have you heard about the full-on fracas
between Hairspray’s hefty Nikki Blonsky and America’s
Next Top Model’s mannish Bianca Golden at a
Caribbean airport? Honey, this was downright ugly — and
I’m not talking about their faces!
It seems Bianca’s entourage (what a sad group that must
be) insisted that Blonsky’s family move some of their
luggage so they could sit down in the departure lounge.
Next thing you know, insults — including the “N” word —
were flying, and fists weren’t far behind!
Nikki’s dad, Carl, was arrested for punching Bianca’s
mom, who was hospitalized with a broken nose and a
cracked skull! Carl, who faces a potential eight-year prison
sentence, was being held on $75,000 bail, which his family
reportedly was unable to post. Seriously, if you don’t have
75K between your entire family, should you be acting like
royalty on a Caribbean trip?
And did you know both these battling bitches are just 19
years old? Nikki, Bianca — get over yourselves. Neither of
you have fans who would even fight each other for the
chance to go to the Caribbean with you, so why are you
and your families breaking out the brass knuckles over an
airport chair? You’ve both been extremely lucky to have a
moment in the spotlight, and now you’ve spoiled it with a
tacky display of trailer trash behavior.
Way to go, ho — times two!
Holy shit! Have you heard about the full-on fracas
between Hairspray’s hefty Nikki Blonsky and America’s
Next Top Model’s mannish Bianca Golden at a
Caribbean airport? Honey, this was downright ugly — and
I’m not talking about their faces!
It seems Bianca’s entourage (what a sad group that must
be) insisted that Blonsky’s family move some of their
luggage so they could sit down in the departure lounge.
Next thing you know, insults — including the “N” word —
were flying, and fists weren’t far behind!
Nikki’s dad, Carl, was arrested for punching Bianca’s
mom, who was hospitalized with a broken nose and a
cracked skull! Carl, who faces a potential eight-year prison
sentence, was being held on $75,000 bail, which his family
reportedly was unable to post. Seriously, if you don’t have
75K between your entire family, should you be acting like
royalty on a Caribbean trip?
And did you know both these battling bitches are just 19
years old? Nikki, Bianca — get over yourselves. Neither of
you have fans who would even fight each other for the
chance to go to the Caribbean with you, so why are you
and your families breaking out the brass knuckles over an
airport chair? You’ve both been extremely lucky to have a
moment in the spotlight, and now you’ve spoiled it with a
tacky display of trailer trash behavior.
Way to go, ho — times two!
| Mary-Kate Olsen |
Evil twin
Mary-Kate Olsen (you know, the rehab twin, not the
prissy one) is insisting on immunity in return for talking to
authorities about her possible connection to Heath
Ledger and his untimely death from a prescription pill
overdose. Reportedly, Ledger’s masseuse, after finding
his body, phoned Olsen three times before she called 911,
and Olsen (from California) dispatched her personal
security guards to Ledger’s apartment in New York, where
they arrived in minutes.
Wow, that’s some heavy shit for a Full House moppet to
be involved in. Help, Uncle Jessie! And no disrespect to
Ledger, but this was a guy who went out of his way to
avoid the publicity machine and the Hollywood scene —
what the hell was he doing with an Olsen twin? Even if
she is the sloppy-looking one, this guy was prepping to
make his rep as the Joker of our nightmares. And at the
same time he was apparently trading meds with the Miley
Cyrus of the 90’s? (O.K., half the Miley Cyrus of the 90’s.)
And evidently it killed him. Or did it? Read the next item …
Mary-Kate Olsen (you know, the rehab twin, not the
prissy one) is insisting on immunity in return for talking to
authorities about her possible connection to Heath
Ledger and his untimely death from a prescription pill
overdose. Reportedly, Ledger’s masseuse, after finding
his body, phoned Olsen three times before she called 911,
and Olsen (from California) dispatched her personal
security guards to Ledger’s apartment in New York, where
they arrived in minutes.
Wow, that’s some heavy shit for a Full House moppet to
be involved in. Help, Uncle Jessie! And no disrespect to
Ledger, but this was a guy who went out of his way to
avoid the publicity machine and the Hollywood scene —
what the hell was he doing with an Olsen twin? Even if
she is the sloppy-looking one, this guy was prepping to
make his rep as the Joker of our nightmares. And at the
same time he was apparently trading meds with the Miley
Cyrus of the 90’s? (O.K., half the Miley Cyrus of the 90’s.)
And evidently it killed him. Or did it? Read the next item …
Curses! Foiled again!
Here’s a rumor making its way across the Wild Ass Web:
there’s supposedly a Dark Knight curse that keeps then,
on the weekend the movie is released, Batman himself,
Christian Bale, is arrested for threatening his mother
and sister (or some such thing; it was in London, and who
knows what the hell their laws are there?); and then this
week Morgan Freeman is seriously injured in a car
wreck. Three Dark Knight stars, three unfortunate events.
But is it a Dark Knight curse or a Batman curse? Check it
out: Michael Keaton was the 80’s Batman; the dude’s
hair fell out. Val Kilmer was the 90’s Batman; his career
disappeared. Chris O’Donnell played the gay-riffic
Robin; his career eloped with Kilmer’s. And Batgirl Alicia
Silverstone’s career felt jilted and went into hiding to cry.
Of course, nothing really terrible happened to any of these
people … as far as we know. When’s the last time you saw
any of them?
Here’s a rumor making its way across the Wild Ass Web:
there’s supposedly a Dark Knight curse that keeps then,
on the weekend the movie is released, Batman himself,
Christian Bale, is arrested for threatening his mother
and sister (or some such thing; it was in London, and who
knows what the hell their laws are there?); and then this
week Morgan Freeman is seriously injured in a car
wreck. Three Dark Knight stars, three unfortunate events.
But is it a Dark Knight curse or a Batman curse? Check it
out: Michael Keaton was the 80’s Batman; the dude’s
hair fell out. Val Kilmer was the 90’s Batman; his career
disappeared. Chris O’Donnell played the gay-riffic
Robin; his career eloped with Kilmer’s. And Batgirl Alicia
Silverstone’s career felt jilted and went into hiding to cry.
Of course, nothing really terrible happened to any of these
people … as far as we know. When’s the last time you saw
any of them?
| Miley Cyrus |
I mentioned Miley Cyrus earlier in this column, and I’ll
talent-free little tootsie’s career is red hot right now.
According to the Nielsen ratings, the Teen Choice awards
viewership was up 73 percent this year. Why? Because
smiley Miley was the host, of course! (Love those
buckteeth, by the way! Cute!)
How in the hell has Billy Ray Cryus engineered
(genetically or otherwise) the world-beating career of his
daughter? This guy doesn’t look smart enough to
program a VCR, but his little girl is making so much money
she’s starting to seem like Oprah. Just younger. And
skinnier. And white. And female.
Maybe Disney has developed some kind of virus or brain-
washing ray that’s emitted from their craptastic
programming. Girls from 4 to 14 idolize Miley and buy
everything her face is pictured on. Prepare yourself for the
Cyrus Sanitary Pad and the Miley-Maxi. You know that
family won’t pass up an opportunity to make a buck!
| Lindsay Lohan |
Poppa Don’t Preach
Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael — you remember him, the
jailbird — weighed in on the topic of his daughter’s
alleged fiancé, DJ/lifestyle accessory Samantha
Ronson.
Michael said his freckled freak of a daughter “knows
better” than to even discuss a lesbian wedding to Ronson
with her dear old dad.
Oh, come on, Mikey! Think how much fun Sam’s bachelor
party will be!
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Aug. 8, 2008
______________________________________________________
Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael — you remember him, the
jailbird — weighed in on the topic of his daughter’s
alleged fiancé, DJ/lifestyle accessory Samantha
Ronson.
Michael said his freckled freak of a daughter “knows
better” than to even discuss a lesbian wedding to Ronson
with her dear old dad.
Oh, come on, Mikey! Think how much fun Sam’s bachelor
party will be!
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Aug. 8, 2008
______________________________________________________
Welcome back, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is
your boy Dick Jiggles, celebrating all that is good and
holy about our national religion, American
Celebutainment! Can I get a disco whoop-whoop?
your boy Dick Jiggles, celebrating all that is good and
holy about our national religion, American
Celebutainment! Can I get a disco whoop-whoop?
| Lindsay Lohan |
Confessions of a Coked-up Drama Queen
Our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is
back in the news again. Oh joy!
It seems the freckled freak was rushed to a New York
emergency room at 3 a.m. Saturday morning after being
“almost hit” by a motorcycle while leaving a club. She was
not seriously injured and was discharged after an hour.
What a horrific experience! And all this after “almost”
being arrested for trying to kill someone with a car,
“almost” turning her life around in rehab (three times last
year), “almost” having a singing career and “almost”
being a lesbian.
“Almost” only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades,
ho! And “almost” getting run over isn’t going to keep you
on tabloid covers. You’ve got too much competition these
days. Girl, you need to get your shit together and do
something all the way! Before America “almost” forgets
about your crazy ass! Just let your inner problem child run
amok and we’ll all love you again! Kisses!
Our favorite luscious little lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, is
back in the news again. Oh joy!
It seems the freckled freak was rushed to a New York
emergency room at 3 a.m. Saturday morning after being
“almost hit” by a motorcycle while leaving a club. She was
not seriously injured and was discharged after an hour.
What a horrific experience! And all this after “almost”
being arrested for trying to kill someone with a car,
“almost” turning her life around in rehab (three times last
year), “almost” having a singing career and “almost”
being a lesbian.
“Almost” only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades,
ho! And “almost” getting run over isn’t going to keep you
on tabloid covers. You’ve got too much competition these
days. Girl, you need to get your shit together and do
something all the way! Before America “almost” forgets
about your crazy ass! Just let your inner problem child run
amok and we’ll all love you again! Kisses!
| John Edwards |
Two-time loser goes for three
Political sad-sack John Edwards was embarrassed last
week by claims that he has a mistress and illegitimate child
in California. Gee, and we all thought he was too boring to
be president!
The North Carolina haircut-that-talks was supposedly
caught sneaking out of his mistress’s Beverly Hills hotel
room at 2 a.m. And now the tabloid photogs involved have
filed a lawsuit alleging the hotel guards of roughing them
up while keeping them away from Edwards.
Wow, John, I guess there really are two Americas: one for
people who can afford to hide their mistresses and bastard
babies in Beverly Hills hotels; and the other for the rest of
us who laugh our asses off when rich fatcats get caught
with their pants down. And let’s not even mention your
sick wife.
Way to go, douchebag! You make Bill Clinton look like a
sensitive guy!
Political sad-sack John Edwards was embarrassed last
week by claims that he has a mistress and illegitimate child
in California. Gee, and we all thought he was too boring to
be president!
The North Carolina haircut-that-talks was supposedly
caught sneaking out of his mistress’s Beverly Hills hotel
room at 2 a.m. And now the tabloid photogs involved have
filed a lawsuit alleging the hotel guards of roughing them
up while keeping them away from Edwards.
Wow, John, I guess there really are two Americas: one for
people who can afford to hide their mistresses and bastard
babies in Beverly Hills hotels; and the other for the rest of
us who laugh our asses off when rich fatcats get caught
with their pants down. And let’s not even mention your
sick wife.
Way to go, douchebag! You make Bill Clinton look like a
sensitive guy!
| Angelina Jolie |
Where’s the love?
Speaking of tabloid photographers getting their asses
stomped, security guards for Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie allegedly handed a beat down to two lensmen
prowling the couple’s property in France last week.
Paparazzi being what they are, the photogs fought back in
their own unique way.
Freelance photographer Luc Goursolas told the press, "I
threw myself at them, put blood all over them and told
them I had HIV so they would stop hitting me.”
Add another chapter to The Manly Art of Self-Defense. Still,
these two losers were trying to take pictures, not kill
anybody. Couldn’t Brangelina have just adopted the two
photographers? They’ve got, like, 80 kids now. I thought
they were all about world peace and love, not beating
people up. But then I watched Wanted. And Fight Club.
And Tomb Raider. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
OK, so maybe indiscriminate ass-kicking is right in
character for this power couple …
Speaking of tabloid photographers getting their asses
stomped, security guards for Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie allegedly handed a beat down to two lensmen
prowling the couple’s property in France last week.
Paparazzi being what they are, the photogs fought back in
their own unique way.
Freelance photographer Luc Goursolas told the press, "I
threw myself at them, put blood all over them and told
them I had HIV so they would stop hitting me.”
Add another chapter to The Manly Art of Self-Defense. Still,
these two losers were trying to take pictures, not kill
anybody. Couldn’t Brangelina have just adopted the two
photographers? They’ve got, like, 80 kids now. I thought
they were all about world peace and love, not beating
people up. But then I watched Wanted. And Fight Club.
And Tomb Raider. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
OK, so maybe indiscriminate ass-kicking is right in
character for this power couple …
| Richard Simmons |
Mincing down the corridors of power
Get this, people — Richard Simmons is considering
running for Congress!
Now there’s a candidate with a rainbow coalition!
Seriously, folks, the fat-ass exercise guru may just take the
political plunge. Speaking on Capitol Hill last week,
tackling the issue of childhood obesity and pushing for
increased school exercise programs, Simmons also coyly
suggested he may run for office. Here. In America.
"I want to have the respect of a congressman, I want to talk
like a congressman, and maybe, someday, I'll be a
congressman,” Dicky Boy said, and when questioned
about his intentions, he added, "However I can be of use. If
my country wants me, I'll be there for my country."
Honestly, now, has anyone in this country ever truly
wanted Richard Simmons?
And did you know that bitch is 60 years old now? Oh,
honey, patriotism is the last refuge of an old queen.
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Sunday, July 27, 2008
_______________________________________________________
Get this, people — Richard Simmons is considering
running for Congress!
Now there’s a candidate with a rainbow coalition!
Seriously, folks, the fat-ass exercise guru may just take the
political plunge. Speaking on Capitol Hill last week,
tackling the issue of childhood obesity and pushing for
increased school exercise programs, Simmons also coyly
suggested he may run for office. Here. In America.
"I want to have the respect of a congressman, I want to talk
like a congressman, and maybe, someday, I'll be a
congressman,” Dicky Boy said, and when questioned
about his intentions, he added, "However I can be of use. If
my country wants me, I'll be there for my country."
Honestly, now, has anyone in this country ever truly
wanted Richard Simmons?
And did you know that bitch is 60 years old now? Oh,
honey, patriotism is the last refuge of an old queen.
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Sunday, July 27, 2008
_______________________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy
Dick Jiggles, recovering from my Independence Day
Star-Spangled Saki drinkathon and bringing you the truth,
the lies and everything in between from that glittering
dream factory, American Celebutainment! Air kisses!
Dick Jiggles, recovering from my Independence Day
Star-Spangled Saki drinkathon and bringing you the truth,
the lies and everything in between from that glittering
dream factory, American Celebutainment! Air kisses!
| Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer |
Will Mayer marry ‘er?
Groovy guitarman John Mayer and his elderly gal pal
Jennifer Aniston have been turning heads with their
lovey-dovey behavior since spring, and now they’ve got
jaws dropping as members of their inner circles hint the
celebtastic couple may actually get married! Holy publicity
stunt, Batman!
A “close friend” of Mayer swears it’s true. "John is
officially off the market," a friend of the Grammy-winning
rocker told a tabloid this week. "He's had his fill of one-
night stands and meaningless hookups. He’s had enough
groupies, enough female stalkers, enough girls hiding
under his bed. He’s had enough anonymous sex, enough
three-way sex, enough ‘six-pack of women’ sex to last him
a lifetime. He’s had enough blondes, enough redheads,
enough black girls, enough Latin girls, enough Asian girls.
He’s had enough breasts, enough legs, enough asses,
enough legs, enough tits, enough asses … enough … tits
… enough …” The “close friend” then fell to muttering and
publicly masturbating.
Sounds like Johnny Boy’s the marrying kind to me! But
what do I know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee-hee!
Groovy guitarman John Mayer and his elderly gal pal
Jennifer Aniston have been turning heads with their
lovey-dovey behavior since spring, and now they’ve got
jaws dropping as members of their inner circles hint the
celebtastic couple may actually get married! Holy publicity
stunt, Batman!
A “close friend” of Mayer swears it’s true. "John is
officially off the market," a friend of the Grammy-winning
rocker told a tabloid this week. "He's had his fill of one-
night stands and meaningless hookups. He’s had enough
groupies, enough female stalkers, enough girls hiding
under his bed. He’s had enough anonymous sex, enough
three-way sex, enough ‘six-pack of women’ sex to last him
a lifetime. He’s had enough blondes, enough redheads,
enough black girls, enough Latin girls, enough Asian girls.
He’s had enough breasts, enough legs, enough asses,
enough legs, enough tits, enough asses … enough … tits
… enough …” The “close friend” then fell to muttering and
publicly masturbating.
Sounds like Johnny Boy’s the marrying kind to me! But
what do I know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee-hee!
| Alex Rodriguez |
Immaculate Deception
I yawned last week when I heard that Madonna had been
I yawned last week when I heard that Then my yawns
turned to chills when I learned Madonnathat she had
been seen with her hands all over a rod. had actually been
pawing A-Rod, the gazillionaire superathlete Alex
Rodriguez. Shit the bed, Fred!
A-Rod, who endured a very public embarrassment last
year over marital infidelities with blonde strippers, is
currently in the midst of a bitter divorce with his busty
wife, while Madge’s marriage with Guy
WhatshisnameEnglishman is on its last high heel, as
we all know. How scandalous for these two megastars in
the middle of divorce wars to turn to each other for
comfort, understanding and hot biracial sex!
Of course, it all turned out to be a sham. Her Holiness and
the Latino Rod have the same manager, don’t you know.
Ah, I see, said the blind man. It all makes sense now. They
both get a ton of free publicity and no one’s the worse for
wear — except their humiliated spouses, but who cares
about them?
I yawned last week when I heard that Madonna had been
I yawned last week when I heard that Then my yawns
turned to chills when I learned Madonnathat she had
been seen with her hands all over a rod. had actually been
pawing A-Rod, the gazillionaire superathlete Alex
Rodriguez. Shit the bed, Fred!
A-Rod, who endured a very public embarrassment last
year over marital infidelities with blonde strippers, is
currently in the midst of a bitter divorce with his busty
wife, while Madge’s marriage with Guy
WhatshisnameEnglishman is on its last high heel, as
we all know. How scandalous for these two megastars in
the middle of divorce wars to turn to each other for
comfort, understanding and hot biracial sex!
Of course, it all turned out to be a sham. Her Holiness and
the Latino Rod have the same manager, don’t you know.
Ah, I see, said the blind man. It all makes sense now. They
both get a ton of free publicity and no one’s the worse for
wear — except their humiliated spouses, but who cares
about them?
| Cher |
Wedding Vows in Vegas
Don’t ask me why, but all my tidbits so far this week seem
to be about celebrity marriage. Oh well, what the hell, I
enjoy fantasy fiction as much as anybody.
The National Midnight Globe is reporting that Cher is this
close to getting married again. The 62-year-old diva is
reportedly planning to wed a 36-year-old civilian (a.k.a.
non-famous person) at a ceremony in Las Vegas.
Well, where else? Why not do it on stage, honey? Show
that skinny bitch Celine Dion how to really put on a
show! Wayne Newton could walk you down the aisle,
Prince could perform the ceremony and Tom Jones
could be the best man (he’s the best I’ve ever seen!)
The bridesmaids could all be topless showgirls, and a
battalion of legal-in-Nevada hookers could be the ushers.
Free handjobs for all the guests!
For the entertainment, Cirque du Soleil could perform
their Franco-philiac interpretations of “I Got You Babe”
and “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” and Criss Angel
could make himself disappear (finally).
But remember, guys, what happens in Vegas stays in
Vegas. No one would pay to see that shit anywhere else.
Don’t ask me why, but all my tidbits so far this week seem
to be about celebrity marriage. Oh well, what the hell, I
enjoy fantasy fiction as much as anybody.
The National Midnight Globe is reporting that Cher is this
close to getting married again. The 62-year-old diva is
reportedly planning to wed a 36-year-old civilian (a.k.a.
non-famous person) at a ceremony in Las Vegas.
Well, where else? Why not do it on stage, honey? Show
that skinny bitch Celine Dion how to really put on a
show! Wayne Newton could walk you down the aisle,
Prince could perform the ceremony and Tom Jones
could be the best man (he’s the best I’ve ever seen!)
The bridesmaids could all be topless showgirls, and a
battalion of legal-in-Nevada hookers could be the ushers.
Free handjobs for all the guests!
For the entertainment, Cirque du Soleil could perform
their Franco-philiac interpretations of “I Got You Babe”
and “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” and Criss Angel
could make himself disappear (finally).
But remember, guys, what happens in Vegas stays in
Vegas. No one would pay to see that shit anywhere else.
| Quentin Tarantino |
Bring out the gimp
Natural born nerd Quentin Tarantino reportedly showed
his new script, Insufferable Bastards, to four major studios
this week, looking for financing. After the complete flop of
his six-hour spectacle Grimehouse last year, QT is
branching out and seeking big time studio support for his
new project, and has reportedly even contacted noted
tough guy character actor Brad Pitt about starring in the
onanistic opus.
The script, a 500-page war story about some lowlife
hipsters who quote a lot of old movies and point their
guns at each other all at the same time, is already a legend
in Hollywood circles. Crazy Quentin has been working on
it (and bragging it up) for more than a decade now, and
every has-been actor in town is hoping he’ll look at them
as fodder for his comeback-making machine.
Personally, I can’t wait to see it! I just love shitty movies!
Here’s blood in your eye, you big ugly spazz!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Thursday, July 10, 2008
_______________________________________________________
Natural born nerd Quentin Tarantino reportedly showed
his new script, Insufferable Bastards, to four major studios
this week, looking for financing. After the complete flop of
his six-hour spectacle Grimehouse last year, QT is
branching out and seeking big time studio support for his
new project, and has reportedly even contacted noted
tough guy character actor Brad Pitt about starring in the
onanistic opus.
The script, a 500-page war story about some lowlife
hipsters who quote a lot of old movies and point their
guns at each other all at the same time, is already a legend
in Hollywood circles. Crazy Quentin has been working on
it (and bragging it up) for more than a decade now, and
every has-been actor in town is hoping he’ll look at them
as fodder for his comeback-making machine.
Personally, I can’t wait to see it! I just love shitty movies!
Here’s blood in your eye, you big ugly spazz!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Thursday, July 10, 2008
_______________________________________________________
Welcome back, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is
your faithful correspondent Dick Jiggles, cutting a swath
through the savage country known as American
Celebutainment! Disco whoop whoop!
your faithful correspondent Dick Jiggles, cutting a swath
through the savage country known as American
Celebutainment! Disco whoop whoop!
| Madonna |
Love Don’t Live Here Anymore
Say it ain’t so, Madge! Word is that the long-whispered
Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely in the works.
I told you bitches it wouldn’t last!
The battling blondes supposedly never signed a pre-nup,
so the divorce should be a horrible bloody mess — just
like Guy’s films! It seems our blessed Madonna has hired
Paul McCartney's lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, to
represent her in the divorce precedings.
Countering that move, Guy has hired Heather Mills
herself to represent him. Smart move — that cold-blooded.
gold-digging, one-legged harpie certainly extracted every
pound she possibly could from Paul’s hide.
From a fan’s perspective, though, this is all good news.
Did we ever really want to see Maddy married? Of course
not. We want her to go on dancing, singing and
conceptualizing forever — like an immortal performance
artist/Terminator robot. Give ‘em hell and don’t give Guy a
cent, Dita baby!
Say it ain’t so, Madge! Word is that the long-whispered
Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely in the works.
I told you bitches it wouldn’t last!
The battling blondes supposedly never signed a pre-nup,
so the divorce should be a horrible bloody mess — just
like Guy’s films! It seems our blessed Madonna has hired
Paul McCartney's lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, to
represent her in the divorce precedings.
Countering that move, Guy has hired Heather Mills
herself to represent him. Smart move — that cold-blooded.
gold-digging, one-legged harpie certainly extracted every
pound she possibly could from Paul’s hide.
From a fan’s perspective, though, this is all good news.
Did we ever really want to see Maddy married? Of course
not. We want her to go on dancing, singing and
conceptualizing forever — like an immortal performance
artist/Terminator robot. Give ‘em hell and don’t give Guy a
cent, Dita baby!
| Shaquille O'Neal |
Shaq Attacked
As you all know, I bow to no one in my appreciation for
tall, sweaty black men. So it really got my feathers in a
ruffle this week when I heard that Shaquille O’Neal had
been verbally bitch-slapped by Arizona’s Maricopa
County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Back off, Joe! That’s my
Chocolate Thunder you’re messing with!
Sheriff Joe got all upset because of some online video of
Shaq rapping about how Kobe Bryant can’t win a
championship without him (the truth hurts, honey). So the
big, bad sheriff told the press he wants Shaq’s special
deputy badge back. He’d made Shaquille a special deputy
in January and promoted him to colonel of his “posse”
earlier this month.
Seems the self-proclaimed “America’s Toughest Sheriff”
objected to Shaq’s use of a racial slur in the rap. “I don’t
condone this kind of racial conduct,” Arpaio said. Oh,
sure, we can’t have racism in Arizona! I’m sure Sheriff Joe’
s policy of feeding inmates green bologna and making
them work on chain gangs isn’t racially motivated at all.
Listen up, you pockmarked old lardass! Leave Shaq
alone! If he wants to play deputy then you let him go right
ahead! He’s earned it!
By the way, if Shaq showed up at my doorway with a
deputy’s badge, sugar, I’d put my hands up and my pants
down! Whatever you say, officer!
As you all know, I bow to no one in my appreciation for
tall, sweaty black men. So it really got my feathers in a
ruffle this week when I heard that Shaquille O’Neal had
been verbally bitch-slapped by Arizona’s Maricopa
County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Back off, Joe! That’s my
Chocolate Thunder you’re messing with!
Sheriff Joe got all upset because of some online video of
Shaq rapping about how Kobe Bryant can’t win a
championship without him (the truth hurts, honey). So the
big, bad sheriff told the press he wants Shaq’s special
deputy badge back. He’d made Shaquille a special deputy
in January and promoted him to colonel of his “posse”
earlier this month.
Seems the self-proclaimed “America’s Toughest Sheriff”
objected to Shaq’s use of a racial slur in the rap. “I don’t
condone this kind of racial conduct,” Arpaio said. Oh,
sure, we can’t have racism in Arizona! I’m sure Sheriff Joe’
s policy of feeding inmates green bologna and making
them work on chain gangs isn’t racially motivated at all.
Listen up, you pockmarked old lardass! Leave Shaq
alone! If he wants to play deputy then you let him go right
ahead! He’s earned it!
By the way, if Shaq showed up at my doorway with a
deputy’s badge, sugar, I’d put my hands up and my pants
down! Whatever you say, officer!
| Verne Troyer |
The Next Big Porn Star
Oh, Lord! I hate to be the one to tell you, but … Mini-Me
has a sex tape! Shriek! Can you imagine?
It’s true. Word on the street says a shady character is
trying to market a Verne Troyer sex tape, and he’s
asking six figures.
Six figures for that? Come on, now. I can see looking at it
as sort of a scientific/sociological experiment, but paying
to see it? I like a little role-playing now and again, but I’m
not that much of a sadist.
Oh, Lord! I hate to be the one to tell you, but … Mini-Me
has a sex tape! Shriek! Can you imagine?
It’s true. Word on the street says a shady character is
trying to market a Verne Troyer sex tape, and he’s
asking six figures.
Six figures for that? Come on, now. I can see looking at it
as sort of a scientific/sociological experiment, but paying
to see it? I like a little role-playing now and again, but I’m
not that much of a sadist.
| Lindsay Lohan |
We Don’t Believe You
lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, has been rumored for years to
be very, very close to DJ Samantha Ronson, but it was
all whispers and allegations, no confirmations. In recent
weeks, however, Lindsay has apparently lost what was
left of her little mind and has been hitting the hot spots
with Sam Ron as her date!
Oh my God, I’m getting faint, I’ve got to sit down. Now
everybody knows that in Hollywood boys like the boys
and girls like the girls and everything’s fair game, but
nobody comes right out and flaunts it in the paparazzi’s
faces. It’s their jobs to work for those incriminating
photos. You don’t just hand it to them on a platter! Really,
Lindsay, you’re taking all the fun out of it!
Slow down, girl, you’re moving too fast. You haven’t even
turned 22 and you’re already box office poison, an ex-con
and a rehab vet, and now you’re a lesbian who likes
knives! Honey, save the acting for the screen!
We know you’re a little freak, but we also know you like
boys. We appreciate the gesture, but really, you can’t
come out of the closet until you’ve been in it. Just run
around and drink too much and chase some more people
down in a stolen car. We’ll love you again! You crazy bitch!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is wholly intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Thursday, June 26, 2008
_______________________________________________________
lunatic, Lindsay Lohan, has been rumored for years to
be very, very close to DJ Samantha Ronson, but it was
all whispers and allegations, no confirmations. In recent
weeks, however, Lindsay has apparently lost what was
left of her little mind and has been hitting the hot spots
with Sam Ron as her date!
Oh my God, I’m getting faint, I’ve got to sit down. Now
everybody knows that in Hollywood boys like the boys
and girls like the girls and everything’s fair game, but
nobody comes right out and flaunts it in the paparazzi’s
faces. It’s their jobs to work for those incriminating
photos. You don’t just hand it to them on a platter! Really,
Lindsay, you’re taking all the fun out of it!
Slow down, girl, you’re moving too fast. You haven’t even
turned 22 and you’re already box office poison, an ex-con
and a rehab vet, and now you’re a lesbian who likes
knives! Honey, save the acting for the screen!
We know you’re a little freak, but we also know you like
boys. We appreciate the gesture, but really, you can’t
come out of the closet until you’ve been in it. Just run
around and drink too much and chase some more people
down in a stolen car. We’ll love you again! You crazy bitch!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is wholly intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Thursday, June 26, 2008
_______________________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy
mask of American Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
mask of American Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
Where's Publisher's Clearing House?
Oh. My. God. Have you seen big, fat Ed McMahon on TV
moaning about how he doesn't have any more money?
Tacky!
It seems Big Ed is this close to having his Beverly Hills
home taken away by the bank. He says he's been trying
to sell it for years but has had no takers. Well, duh!
Imagine trying to get the "old guy" smell out of there!
He's apparently $644,000 in arrears on a $4.8 million loan
for the home. Come on, people! Does he deserve this kind
of embarrassment after laughing at Johnny's jokes and
saying, "Hey-yo!" every night for 70 years? Let's all kick
in a buck or two for the old fart. Not to pay off his
mansion, though. To buy him a nicer-looking neck brace.
That thing looks ghetto, E-Mac!
Oh. My. God. Have you seen big, fat Ed McMahon on TV
moaning about how he doesn't have any more money?
Tacky!
It seems Big Ed is this close to having his Beverly Hills
home taken away by the bank. He says he's been trying
to sell it for years but has had no takers. Well, duh!
Imagine trying to get the "old guy" smell out of there!
He's apparently $644,000 in arrears on a $4.8 million loan
for the home. Come on, people! Does he deserve this kind
of embarrassment after laughing at Johnny's jokes and
saying, "Hey-yo!" every night for 70 years? Let's all kick
in a buck or two for the old fart. Not to pay off his
mansion, though. To buy him a nicer-looking neck brace.
That thing looks ghetto, E-Mac!
| Lil' Wayne |
Thug Saves Music Industry
Record executives are down on their knees sobbing with
relief now that Lil' Wayne's new album sold a million
copies in its first week in stores. No musician has
managed the feat since fellow felon 50 Cent turned the
trick three years ago.
Now that the record companies have seen the path to
higher sales, the entire music industry is getting a under
her eye; the Rascal Flatts boys are smoking crack and
shooting heroin; and Clay Aiken is pimping out Miley
Cyrus on the street in downtown L.A. Just think how
much better their music is going to be! I can't wait!
Record executives are down on their knees sobbing with
relief now that Lil' Wayne's new album sold a million
copies in its first week in stores. No musician has
managed the feat since fellow felon 50 Cent turned the
trick three years ago.
Now that the record companies have seen the path to
higher sales, the entire music industry is getting a under
her eye; the Rascal Flatts boys are smoking crack and
shooting heroin; and Clay Aiken is pimping out Miley
Cyrus on the street in downtown L.A. Just think how
much better their music is going to be! I can't wait!
| Katherine Heigl |
No Emmy for Me, Thanks
Have you heard? The cool thing in Hollywood now is to
opt out of entertainment awards. Big, frightening
Katherine Heigl asked not to be considered for an
Emmy for "Grey's Anatomy," and now luscious little
lunatic Lindsay Lohan is getting all self-deprecating and
saying "No thanks" to a possible Emmy nod for her "Ugly
Betty" appearance.
Everybody is getting in on the game! Isiah Washington
has withdrawn has name from consideration for the
GLAAD Awards; Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter"
Chapman has pulled out of the running for the NAACP
Image Awards; and Paris Hilton is saying, "Thank you,
no" to Best Ballhandler in the Porn Awards in Las Vegas
next month. Aren't celebrities so humble?
Have you heard? The cool thing in Hollywood now is to
opt out of entertainment awards. Big, frightening
Katherine Heigl asked not to be considered for an
Emmy for "Grey's Anatomy," and now luscious little
lunatic Lindsay Lohan is getting all self-deprecating and
saying "No thanks" to a possible Emmy nod for her "Ugly
Betty" appearance.
Everybody is getting in on the game! Isiah Washington
has withdrawn has name from consideration for the
GLAAD Awards; Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter"
Chapman has pulled out of the running for the NAACP
Image Awards; and Paris Hilton is saying, "Thank you,
no" to Best Ballhandler in the Porn Awards in Las Vegas
next month. Aren't celebrities so humble?
| Britney Spears |
Gone, Daddy, Gone
Our favorite belly-dancing basket case is at it again! Go,
Britney, you crazy bitch!
Word is that the courts have given Britney Spears' dad
the go-ahead to sell her Studio City mansion, the site of
her infamous freak-outs earlier this year. Remember when
they brought her out on a stretcher and put her crazy ass
in the ambulance? Honey, you can't buy memories like
that.
Don't let your daddy sell the place, Britney! That's the
house that Vicodin built! It should be one of our holy
places now. We worship you, Brit-Brit! Don't get all normal
on us! Crazy's what you do best, sweetie!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our favorite belly-dancing basket case is at it again! Go,
Britney, you crazy bitch!
Word is that the courts have given Britney Spears' dad
the go-ahead to sell her Studio City mansion, the site of
her infamous freak-outs earlier this year. Remember when
they brought her out on a stretcher and put her crazy ass
in the ambulance? Honey, you can't buy memories like
that.
Don't let your daddy sell the place, Britney! That's the
house that Vicodin built! It should be one of our holy
places now. We worship you, Brit-Brit! Don't get all normal
on us! Crazy's what you do best, sweetie!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to
anyone living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully
stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is Dick
Jiggles, your faithful correspondent broadcasting
straight from the decadent heart of American
Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
Jiggles, your faithful correspondent broadcasting
straight from the decadent heart of American
Celebutainment! Woo-hoo!
| Scarlett Johansson |
| Barack Obama |
The Audacity of Jungle Fever
tramp, rst told the AP back in January that she was , ,
saying, “My heart belongs to Barack.”
Now the Scarlett vixen has gone one step farther, telling
anyone who’ll listen that the presumptive Democratic
nominee has fathered her unborn child.
“I’m Obama’s baby mama!” Johansson said.
How that will sit with voters — let alone Obama’s wife and
children — is an open question, and one I’m not going to
bother my pretty little head with. There’s too much gossip
out there, girls! Who’s got time for boring old politics?
Puke, puke!
tramp, rst told the AP back in January that she was , ,
saying, “My heart belongs to Barack.”
Now the Scarlett vixen has gone one step farther, telling
anyone who’ll listen that the presumptive Democratic
nominee has fathered her unborn child.
“I’m Obama’s baby mama!” Johansson said.
How that will sit with voters — let alone Obama’s wife and
children — is an open question, and one I’m not going to
bother my pretty little head with. There’s too much gossip
out there, girls! Who’s got time for boring old politics?
Puke, puke!
| Hulk and Linda Hogan |
Prison Follies
Hulk Hogan and his pathetic, jailed son, Nick, are
planning to star in a reality show! Oh, joy!
Apparently, the Hulkster can’t wait for Nicky boy to be
released from prison, so Daddy Spandex is planning to
have himself arrested, thrown into the same tiny cell as his
son (which Nick described as “half the size of my
bathroom”) and videotape the whole thing for posterity.
Genius, pure sweaty genius!
How will Hulk get himself thrown in the clink? Maybe he’ll
do as Nick did, and crash a car, paralyzing his passenger.
First dibs for shotgun would have to go to the Hulkster’s
wife, Linda, who’s suing the trunk-wearing terror for
divorce!
Maybe the macho mustached man will do society a favor
and put his chunky daughter Brooke on his lap and drive
a tractor-trailer through the prison gates straight into Nick’
s cell, taking out the entire family in one fell swoop. In
prime time, no less! That would be my vote, but what do I
know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee hee!
Hulk Hogan and his pathetic, jailed son, Nick, are
planning to star in a reality show! Oh, joy!
Apparently, the Hulkster can’t wait for Nicky boy to be
released from prison, so Daddy Spandex is planning to
have himself arrested, thrown into the same tiny cell as his
son (which Nick described as “half the size of my
bathroom”) and videotape the whole thing for posterity.
Genius, pure sweaty genius!
How will Hulk get himself thrown in the clink? Maybe he’ll
do as Nick did, and crash a car, paralyzing his passenger.
First dibs for shotgun would have to go to the Hulkster’s
wife, Linda, who’s suing the trunk-wearing terror for
divorce!
Maybe the macho mustached man will do society a favor
and put his chunky daughter Brooke on his lap and drive
a tractor-trailer through the prison gates straight into Nick’
s cell, taking out the entire family in one fell swoop. In
prime time, no less! That would be my vote, but what do I
know? I’m just a crazy little freak! Tee hee!
| Amy Winehouse |
Amy Winehouse Deathwatch
Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy
Winehouse Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse
| Clay Aiken |
Baby Buddies!
Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy! Kisses!
Oh, not a traditional daddy, in the sense that he made love
to a woman and fathered a child. No, no, how boring!
Our beloved Claymate is going to be a daddy in the sense
that his sperm and the eggs from an unknown female old
woman. Isn’t nature beautiful?
Clay’s partner in baby-making is named Jaymes Foster.
She’s a woman! Honestly, I swear! You guys!
Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy! Kisses!
Oh, not a traditional daddy, in the sense that he made love
to a woman and fathered a child. No, no, how boring!
Our beloved Claymate is going to be a daddy in the sense
that his sperm and the eggs from an unknown female old
woman. Isn’t nature beautiful?
Clay’s partner in baby-making is named Jaymes Foster.
She’s a woman! Honestly, I swear! You guys!
| Britney Spears |
Is it Love?
Britney, you bitch, you’re at it again! Oops!
Just when Britney Spears had started to seem all boring
and normal, we found out that she and Mel Gibson were
headed to Costa Rica to vacation together. Mel’s 52 and
married, but who cares? He’s also crazy, and everybody
knows Britney’s bat shit, so the more the merrier! Back in
March the two had been spotted having dinner together in
California. So what’s ahead for what may be the most
insane couple in the history of Hollywood?
Insiders whisper that Mad Mel wants to show Britney the
beauty of old Europe, specifically Germany and Austria. Brit-
Brit, for her part, wants to take Mel back home to Louisiana.
She just can’t remember how to get there! Oh, come on,
Britney, drop your pants and make us all smile one more
time!
Britney, you bitch, you’re at it again! Oops!
Just when Britney Spears had started to seem all boring
and normal, we found out that she and Mel Gibson were
headed to Costa Rica to vacation together. Mel’s 52 and
married, but who cares? He’s also crazy, and everybody
knows Britney’s bat shit, so the more the merrier! Back in
March the two had been spotted having dinner together in
California. So what’s ahead for what may be the most
insane couple in the history of Hollywood?
Insiders whisper that Mad Mel wants to show Britney the
beauty of old Europe, specifically Germany and Austria. Brit-
Brit, for her part, wants to take Mel back home to Louisiana.
She just can’t remember how to get there! Oh, come on,
Britney, drop your pants and make us all smile one more
time!
| Mel Gibson |
Give up the money, honey
Tiny Angels is a very creative international charity that
walks of life. Put your compassion where your mouth is and
support this very special cause. I know I do.
Give ‘til it hurts, bitches! You know you love it!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tiny Angels is a very creative international charity that
walks of life. Put your compassion where your mouth is and
support this very special cause. I know I do.
Give ‘til it hurts, bitches! You know you love it!
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone
living or dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like
a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, June 11, 2008
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Sarah Palin |
She's hot, she's sexy and she's Republican! Holy shit!
Is there a star anywhere in the world burning brighter
right now than Sarah Palin? She's hauled her hot
soccer mom ass out of the wilds of Alaska to become
THE reigning sex symbol for tight-ass, prejudiced
money grubbers everywhere! Way to go, MILF! Soon
she'll be a grandma ... a GILF!
Even if she and octogenerian running mate John
McCain don't win the election, Sarah has a bright
future ahead of her. She could parade those sexy, sinful
lips through a whole series of Covergirl commercials:
"I'm Sarah. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful ... for a
middle-aged chick from Alaska."
She could become an actress! Sure, Hollywood hates
Republicans, but if nothing else she could do Lifetime
movies. Hell, they could do six or seven just based on
her family!
Me, I think she should go the spokesmodel route,
endorsing whatever products will pony up the most
dough. Think about the last month: America will buy
anything this bitch says!
________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful bitches! This is your boy Dick Jiggles, swimming
against the tide of smarm, smugness and insincerity that is American
Celubutainment! You bitches know you love it!
Hello, all you beautiful bitches! This is your boy Dick Jiggles, swimming
against the tide of smarm, smugness and insincerity that is American
Celubutainment! You bitches know you love it!
| Janet Jackson |
Damn it, Janet!
Chocolate diva Janet Jackson was hospitalized in Montreal this
week, causing the cancellation of her concert that evening. Her poor
fans! They missed out on three hours of world-class lipsynching!
Insiders are saying Janet is simply exhausted from her dance-tastic
tour have been selling. Maybe Janet's "exhaustion" is simply a way to
get out of her LiveNation contract gracefully, before everybody loses
their ass!
Not that Janet has to worry much about that.
Hey, girl, the Brickhouse Bootys Web site is always hiring!
Aren't I a mean little bitch?
Chocolate diva Janet Jackson was hospitalized in Montreal this
week, causing the cancellation of her concert that evening. Her poor
fans! They missed out on three hours of world-class lipsynching!
Insiders are saying Janet is simply exhausted from her dance-tastic
tour have been selling. Maybe Janet's "exhaustion" is simply a way to
get out of her LiveNation contract gracefully, before everybody loses
their ass!
Not that Janet has to worry much about that.
Hey, girl, the Brickhouse Bootys Web site is always hiring!
Aren't I a mean little bitch?
| Heather Locklear's mug shot |
Heather needs a Has-been
Alleged hottie Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday evening
when officers found the actress in her parked car blocking traffic in
Montecito, Calif. Police said hapless Heather was "driving forwards
and backwards over a pair of sunglasses and revving her engine" in
a parking lot.
And you thought your Saturday night was pathetic!
What's more, Locklear was charged with suspicion of driving under
the influence, although police said "alcohol was ruled out as a factor."
So what was she on? Coke? Crack? Horse tranquilizers?
Who'd ever think that purrty little Heather, star of a thousand bad TV
shows, would do drugs? Well, she was married to shit-rock
superstars Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora.
Maybe she needs to hook up with, I don't know, Brett Michaels to
cheer her up.
Somebody get this woman a tattooed has-been, quick!
Alleged hottie Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday evening
when officers found the actress in her parked car blocking traffic in
Montecito, Calif. Police said hapless Heather was "driving forwards
and backwards over a pair of sunglasses and revving her engine" in
a parking lot.
And you thought your Saturday night was pathetic!
What's more, Locklear was charged with suspicion of driving under
the influence, although police said "alcohol was ruled out as a factor."
So what was she on? Coke? Crack? Horse tranquilizers?
Who'd ever think that purrty little Heather, star of a thousand bad TV
shows, would do drugs? Well, she was married to shit-rock
superstars Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora.
Maybe she needs to hook up with, I don't know, Brett Michaels to
cheer her up.
Somebody get this woman a tattooed has-been, quick!
| Cloris Leachman |
82 is the new insane
Imagine somebody took your crazy old Aunt Rose, Alzheimer's and all,
out of the home and let her run around in a TV studio insulting
celebrities and flashing her decrepit body. Sound entertaining? Millions
of Americans must agree, because 82-year-old Cloris Leachman has
made Dancing with the Stars the hot-as-shit show in the ratings this fall!
Crazy ass Cloris has exposed her cleavage to the elderly judge, sat in
the lap of the lady judge and had the gay judge kiss her leg. Let it all
hang out, Granny! Oh, wait, maybe not all of it ... please put that back,
Cloris. Please?
Imagine somebody took your crazy old Aunt Rose, Alzheimer's and all,
out of the home and let her run around in a TV studio insulting
celebrities and flashing her decrepit body. Sound entertaining? Millions
of Americans must agree, because 82-year-old Cloris Leachman has
made Dancing with the Stars the hot-as-shit show in the ratings this fall!
Crazy ass Cloris has exposed her cleavage to the elderly judge, sat in
the lap of the lady judge and had the gay judge kiss her leg. Let it all
hang out, Granny! Oh, wait, maybe not all of it ... please put that back,
Cloris. Please?
| Miley Cyrus |
Miley kicks gays out of Disneyland
Honey, I know these young divas think they're all that but this is
ridiculous! Smiley Miley Cyrus is having all the gay people thrown out
of Disneyland!
It's true! Just keep saying, "I do believe in fairies ... I do believe in fairies
..."
Miley's Sweet 16 celebration will be held at Mouseland this Sunday (with
5,000 of her fans paying $250 a pop to be there). Trouble is, Sunday is
the last day of the annual Gay Days celebration at the park, which draws
30,000 gay and lesbian visitors each year.
To avoid a potentially uncomfortable but probably fucking hilarious
situation, Disney officials have decided to close the park to all non-Miley
Maniacs at 5 p.m. But you just know those teenies would have a much
better time partying with all the gay people! Wouldn't Soccer Mom and
Dull-ass Dad love to hear that story when the kids got home?
The sleaziest part of the whole thing is that Miley's birthday isn't actually
until November! Is there anything that family won't do for money? I'm
surprised Billy Ray won't be following behind her in Disneyland
auctioning off her old clothes to those stupid kids.
And let's be clear: Disney has a long-standing relationship with the gay
community. Hell, some of their best characters are gay! Donald Duck
walks around with no pants on! And Mickey and Minnie have never had
any kids! I think somebody's in the cartoon closet. Is that why Goofy is
always hanging around Mickey?
The gay community could march on Disneyland in protest, but all they'd
have to do is start blasting "When You Wish Upon a Star" out the castle
windows and we'd all fall to the ground weeping. And you know
Tinkerbell is my hero!
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or
dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008
Honey, I know these young divas think they're all that but this is
ridiculous! Smiley Miley Cyrus is having all the gay people thrown out
of Disneyland!
It's true! Just keep saying, "I do believe in fairies ... I do believe in fairies
..."
Miley's Sweet 16 celebration will be held at Mouseland this Sunday (with
5,000 of her fans paying $250 a pop to be there). Trouble is, Sunday is
the last day of the annual Gay Days celebration at the park, which draws
30,000 gay and lesbian visitors each year.
To avoid a potentially uncomfortable but probably fucking hilarious
situation, Disney officials have decided to close the park to all non-Miley
Maniacs at 5 p.m. But you just know those teenies would have a much
better time partying with all the gay people! Wouldn't Soccer Mom and
Dull-ass Dad love to hear that story when the kids got home?
The sleaziest part of the whole thing is that Miley's birthday isn't actually
until November! Is there anything that family won't do for money? I'm
surprised Billy Ray won't be following behind her in Disneyland
auctioning off her old clothes to those stupid kids.
And let's be clear: Disney has a long-standing relationship with the gay
community. Hell, some of their best characters are gay! Donald Duck
walks around with no pants on! And Mickey and Minnie have never had
any kids! I think somebody's in the cartoon closet. Is that why Goofy is
always hanging around Mickey?
The gay community could march on Disneyland in protest, but all they'd
have to do is start blasting "When You Wish Upon a Star" out the castle
windows and we'd all fall to the ground weeping. And you know
Tinkerbell is my hero!
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or
dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008
________________________________________
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy Dick
Jiggles, still bashing my crazy head against the wall of American
Celubutainment! Won't somebody kiss my boo-boos?
Hello, all you beautiful bitches out there! This is your boy Dick
Jiggles, still bashing my crazy head against the wall of American
Celubutainment! Won't somebody kiss my boo-boos?
| Nick Nolte |
Rich Man, Mad Man
Get out of the crazy old bastard's way!
Nick Nolte smashed through a window, leaping to safety from a
fire that broke out at his home Tuesday. Get some, Grandpa!
The 67-year-old looney tune then tried to fight the flames with a
garden hose. Amazingly enough, his plan didn't work, and his
house sustained $1.5 million in damages, while Nutso Nick lost $1.5
million worth of his possessions.
But at least he saved his crazy ass! Moldy Nolte was treated for
smoke inhalation and abrasions but was otherwise fine. He kicked
that fire's ass, goddamn it! Jack Cates would be proud.
Get out of the crazy old bastard's way!
Nick Nolte smashed through a window, leaping to safety from a
fire that broke out at his home Tuesday. Get some, Grandpa!
The 67-year-old looney tune then tried to fight the flames with a
garden hose. Amazingly enough, his plan didn't work, and his
house sustained $1.5 million in damages, while Nutso Nick lost $1.5
million worth of his possessions.
But at least he saved his crazy ass! Moldy Nolte was treated for
smoke inhalation and abrasions but was otherwise fine. He kicked
that fire's ass, goddamn it! Jack Cates would be proud.
| Sarah Palin |
Sharing Sara's Secrets
I guess some information is just too personal for Sarah Palin to
share!
A 20-year-old University of Tennessee student has been indicted
for breaking into one of Palin's email accounts and then posting
screenshots of her personal information on a public Web site.
David Kernell, the son of a Democratic state lawmaker, was led
into a Knoxville federal court wearing handcuffs and shackles on
his ankles. That's it, Sarah! Humiliate his donkey ass!
Wow, I wonder what kind of personal information he found?
Maybe Sarah's secretly, sexually sinful!
Naaah. This is a Republican soccer mom we're talking about.
Lipstick or not, she probably schedules sessions with her
husband right down to the minute. Wouldn't want to waste any of
the party's time on poontang!
I guess some information is just too personal for Sarah Palin to
share!
A 20-year-old University of Tennessee student has been indicted
for breaking into one of Palin's email accounts and then posting
screenshots of her personal information on a public Web site.
David Kernell, the son of a Democratic state lawmaker, was led
into a Knoxville federal court wearing handcuffs and shackles on
his ankles. That's it, Sarah! Humiliate his donkey ass!
Wow, I wonder what kind of personal information he found?
Maybe Sarah's secretly, sexually sinful!
Naaah. This is a Republican soccer mom we're talking about.
Lipstick or not, she probably schedules sessions with her
husband right down to the minute. Wouldn't want to waste any of
the party's time on poontang!
| Jamie Lynn Spears |
Ever hear of rubbers?
Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's fertile little 16-year-old sister, is
reportedly pregnant again.
Is she still too young for Sex Ed class?
Jamie Lynn just gave birth to a beautiful little illegitimate baby girl in
July. Now she's knocked up again! Classy!
According to unidentified sources, Jamie Lynn didn't know a
woman could get pregnant while breast-feeding.
But she did think you could catch it from a toilet seat!
Now that Anna Nicole's dead, nobody does white trash like the
Spears family!
Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's fertile little 16-year-old sister, is
reportedly pregnant again.
Is she still too young for Sex Ed class?
Jamie Lynn just gave birth to a beautiful little illegitimate baby girl in
July. Now she's knocked up again! Classy!
According to unidentified sources, Jamie Lynn didn't know a
woman could get pregnant while breast-feeding.
But she did think you could catch it from a toilet seat!
Now that Anna Nicole's dead, nobody does white trash like the
Spears family!
| Britney Spears |
Get Lawyered Up, Baby
Britney Spears is prepared to go to trial in her misdemeanor
driving-without-license case after rejecting a plea offer of a year's
probation and a $150 fine, her lawyer said this week.
That's just great, Brit-Brit. Why take the easy way out? We love you,
you crazy bitch!
Britney's being targeted because she's a celebrity and doesn't
deserve even a minor criminal conviction on her record, her lawyer
said.
This is awesome! So to keep from having a minor black mark on her
record (which is already covered with blemishes; she had her kids
taken away, remember?), Britney is going to go to court and fight
the power!
Oh, girl, you've got to fire that mouthpiece and be your own lawyer!
You just sashay around that courtroom and tell that judge what's
what, you fuckin' lunatic!
Trial of the century! I need to get Court TV, quick.
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or
dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Oct. 10, 2008
Britney Spears is prepared to go to trial in her misdemeanor
driving-without-license case after rejecting a plea offer of a year's
probation and a $150 fine, her lawyer said this week.
That's just great, Brit-Brit. Why take the easy way out? We love you,
you crazy bitch!
Britney's being targeted because she's a celebrity and doesn't
deserve even a minor criminal conviction on her record, her lawyer
said.
This is awesome! So to keep from having a minor black mark on her
record (which is already covered with blemishes; she had her kids
taken away, remember?), Britney is going to go to court and fight
the power!
Oh, girl, you've got to fire that mouthpiece and be your own lawyer!
You just sashay around that courtroom and tell that judge what's
what, you fuckin' lunatic!
Trial of the century! I need to get Court TV, quick.
And how was your week?
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or
dead is purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Oct. 10, 2008
| Madonna makes out with Sara Palin onstage |
After trashing presidential candidate Sarah Palin at every stop on her
concert tour, Madonna invited the GOP GILF onstage at Madison Square
Garden Sunday night and buried the hatchet ... and her tongue, right down
Sarah's throat!
Palin first appeared onstage with Madonna's back-up dancers, clad in
black warm-up gear and an unfamiliar hairdo. Madonna then stopped the
music and asked for a bottle of champagne. "I'm here to celebrate my
whooping, cheering crowd. As one of the dancers brought the bubbly to
Madonna, the spotlight revealed her to be the old lipsticked pit bull herself!
The crowd gasped and then went wild as Madonna grabbed Sarah by
the back of the neck and gave her a deep, passionate kiss. Afterward, the
ageless (actually 50-year-old) pop star smacked Palin on the backside and
said, "See ya backstage, honey." Palin, looking more than a little
disoriented, walked off to the lusty cheering of the crowd.
After the concert, Madonna told the startled press, "Yes, Sarah is my lover.
She came to me to ask me to stop the attacks, and I persuaded her
toswitch sides ... in more ways than one. She's my running mate now,
John!"
For her part, Palin told the press the same shit she's been saying for
months: "Joe Sixpack ... maverick ... Obama pals around with terrorists."
Then she ducked out of the Garden into Madonna's waiting limo.
I've said it for years, people: never underestimate the power of lesbian
persuasion. All you women are just two drinks away from the carpet!
Admit it! You crazy bitches!
concert tour, Madonna invited the GOP GILF onstage at Madison Square
Garden Sunday night and buried the hatchet ... and her tongue, right down
Sarah's throat!
Palin first appeared onstage with Madonna's back-up dancers, clad in
black warm-up gear and an unfamiliar hairdo. Madonna then stopped the
music and asked for a bottle of champagne. "I'm here to celebrate my
whooping, cheering crowd. As one of the dancers brought the bubbly to
Madonna, the spotlight revealed her to be the old lipsticked pit bull herself!
The crowd gasped and then went wild as Madonna grabbed Sarah by
the back of the neck and gave her a deep, passionate kiss. Afterward, the
ageless (actually 50-year-old) pop star smacked Palin on the backside and
said, "See ya backstage, honey." Palin, looking more than a little
disoriented, walked off to the lusty cheering of the crowd.
After the concert, Madonna told the startled press, "Yes, Sarah is my lover.
She came to me to ask me to stop the attacks, and I persuaded her
toswitch sides ... in more ways than one. She's my running mate now,
John!"
For her part, Palin told the press the same shit she's been saying for
months: "Joe Sixpack ... maverick ... Obama pals around with terrorists."
Then she ducked out of the Garden into Madonna's waiting limo.
I've said it for years, people: never underestimate the power of lesbian
persuasion. All you women are just two drinks away from the carpet!
Admit it! You crazy bitches!
| The Gay Super Bowl blows us … away |
By Dick Jiggles
Oh. My. God.
I knew it from the minute that Jared Leto-lookalike with the queertastic haircut
won for best screenplay for “Milk.” The 2009 Oscars will go down in history as the
year the little bald golden guy finally went all-the-way gay.
Hugh Jackman as the host? No opening monologue, just singing and dancing
and smiling and twinkling and flirting with Brad Pitt? Deeeeeelicious! (How did
they ever cast Tommy Tune here as Wolverine?)
Oh. My. God.
I knew it from the minute that Jared Leto-lookalike with the queertastic haircut
won for best screenplay for “Milk.” The 2009 Oscars will go down in history as the
year the little bald golden guy finally went all-the-way gay.
Hugh Jackman as the host? No opening monologue, just singing and dancing
and smiling and twinkling and flirting with Brad Pitt? Deeeeeelicious! (How did
they ever cast Tommy Tune here as Wolverine?)
| Hugh Jackman dazzled (and twinkled) as host of the gay Oscars |
| Beyonce: Unwelcome addition to the sausage party. |
| Slumdog Billionaire |
Even the attempts to make Jackman seem like a funny straight fella who just
happens to enjoy musical theatre — like having him sing in the opening number
about pubic hair and swimming in a sea of excrement — didn’t take. He was
obviously happiest when he was prancing up a flight of stairs with a dozen
dapper doppelgangers in top hat and tails.
Too bad Beyonce and her big womanly ass had to break up the sausage party.
(Aren’t they allowed to have an awards show without Beyonce anymore? And
did anybody clap when she showed up in the all-boy production number?
I’m telling you, this was a gay spectacular, people!)
happens to enjoy musical theatre — like having him sing in the opening number
about pubic hair and swimming in a sea of excrement — didn’t take. He was
obviously happiest when he was prancing up a flight of stairs with a dozen
dapper doppelgangers in top hat and tails.
Too bad Beyonce and her big womanly ass had to break up the sausage party.
(Aren’t they allowed to have an awards show without Beyonce anymore? And
did anybody clap when she showed up in the all-boy production number?
I’m telling you, this was a gay spectacular, people!)
We all know the Oscars telecast is the Gay Super Bowl. But this year’s show was
gayrific enough to get John Madden into a pink tutu. I mean, Zac Efron —
everyone’s popcorn!
Even the stage was gay: electric blue trim — I thought I was in a bathhouse in the
70s. I kept expecting Bettle Midler to start singing, with Barry Manilow on piano.
And Jack Nicholson sitting naked wrapped in a towel, laughing his saggy old ass
off.
gayrific enough to get John Madden into a pink tutu. I mean, Zac Efron —
everyone’s popcorn!
Even the stage was gay: electric blue trim — I thought I was in a bathhouse in the
70s. I kept expecting Bettle Midler to start singing, with Barry Manilow on piano.
And Jack Nicholson sitting naked wrapped in a towel, laughing his saggy old ass
off.
Academy bigwigs felt their ceremony needed to be updated and streamlined. And
what better way to do it than to go gay, in a huge way! I’ve got nothing else to say
except (ahem) keep it up, Oscar baby!
Worst hair: the “Wall-E” director; the “Slumdog” cinematographer; Ben Stiller’s
beard
Best designers: the dressmakers who made it look like Tina Fey and Sarah
Jessica Parker had breasts
Best speech: the French Asian geek who said, "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”
Best Commie Homo-lovers: The Academy.
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is
purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Feb. 23, 2009
what better way to do it than to go gay, in a huge way! I’ve got nothing else to say
except (ahem) keep it up, Oscar baby!
Worst hair: the “Wall-E” director; the “Slumdog” cinematographer; Ben Stiller’s
beard
Best designers: the dressmakers who made it look like Tina Fey and Sarah
Jessica Parker had breasts
Best speech: the French Asian geek who said, "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”
Best Commie Homo-lovers: The Academy.
This column is an act of satire. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is
purely intentional, and hopefully stings like a bitch.
Posted Friday, Feb. 23, 2009